Wednesday, March 02, 2005
while i was away
it would be disingenuous to say that i am an afterhours sophisticate. hardly. contrary to popular belief, i do not party hard—not because i don't want to, but because i can't. i've always believed that once one reaches a certain age, one must own up to several recreational-related weaknesses. fine. i will own up to one and one only: i have a severe drinking problem.
for someone of my hauteur, liquor is basically anathema. and why shouldn't it? the damn thing makes my pinstripes recoil in horror as my lips utter gibberish that sounds, painfully, like latin. as my hands gesticulate like mad, florid birds. as i collapse in an embarrassing heap of schoolgirl giggles—without the schoolgirl uniform.
goodbye, manhattan career witch.
hello, her-name-is-lola-she-was-a-showgirl-and-god-this-is-so-mortifyingly-manilow.
but i am getting ahead of myself.
several days ago, i stayed away from the devil's last temptation that is the world wide web to put my life into perspective. a week of dealing with a boss that nattered like a 900-year-old nanny goat, pacifying a horrid real estate editor and waiting forever to be granted an audience with the president of this so-called republic, and i was ready to crawl into a hole and die. lucky for me there was still such a thing as a public holiday. when i left the office, i made a mental note to get back my chi.
at home, i did the usual things in no necessary order. scribble notes on my copy of the kama sutra. try on pretty ankle chains. organize makeup by active ingredients. sleep like there was no tomorrow. everything was great...until my friends happened.
it was supposed to be a tame evening. we had an italian dinner followed by caffeine followed by sesquipedalian conversation followed by blueberry vodka cruisers. it was the last that did me in. blueberry vodka cruisers. five percent alcohol, ladies and gentlemen. five percent alcohol is the name of my shame.
half a bottle later, i was tipsy. by then, i had hit on a porcelain elephant, danced to linda ronstadt's "blue bayou," stuck my blue tongue out at my blue-tongued friends, chatted up the fish in the aquarium and smoked like a chimney. needless to say, the grand finale arrived without much fanfare. and it saw me bent over the toilet, hurling my blue-colored chi down the welcoming hole.
did i tell you i have a severe drinking problem? yep, i cannot hold my liquor. so take that bottle away from my demesne, thank you very much.
did i also tell you i kissed a friend? a girl friend. and there were pictures, too, for crying out loud. no, you may not see them. and no, i don't do frat parties. geez.
i have been without humor. five percent alcohol is the name of my shame.
| o^o
49 kph
jason
maybe it's better to be a amateur lightweight than the undisputed heavyweight tippler of the world. who knows? drugs is bad-they make ya sick!
| o^o |
ninjato
Sadly, I can empathize...although I can handle my drink most of the time (and I don't drink a lot), the times that I haven't been able to do so, have not exactly been stellar moments that I'd like to remember (and trust me if I could be more frank and sarcastic than I already usually am, you haven't seen me in drunk mode yet), and the puking and hurling? The one time that that happened (the incident I mean, the actual puking and hurling that took place...I forgot how many times that evening/morning) was so bad, suffice to say I am now more adamant to say when enough is enough...
| o^o |
Lorena
i can't hold my liquor either, mainly because i don't drink a lot.
sounds like you had fun!! :) accept for the throwing up part!
did you manage to put things into perspective? hope so.
| o^o |
Blog ho
I'm sorry for your vomiting. And the loss of so much chi, it's hard to build that chi shit up to just puke it out. Perhaps if you wore the schoolgirl uniform you would feel better about drinking. i know i would. but i have to go, now...i see my neighbor has left his portable phone out on his front porch and I'm gonna go steal it.
| o^o |
Culturekitchen
good for you! ain't nothin wrong with letting loose…everyone's chi needs a little spicing up every once in a while!! hmm…I'm ignoring the "severe problem" part aren't I? well, at least you had fun…
| o^o |
d.K.m
next time do give me a call and maybe I will join ya *hic* ;)
| o^o |
EGO SVM CAROLVS
5% alcohol? I'm trying my best to contain my reaction (a smirk--nothing more). Transience, you better stay away from any alcohol. :^)
**For the record, I once (okay twice!) binged on 40 proofs, strong enough to be disinfectant. I barely made it to my car, and puke was all over the parking lot. But no fish were harmed, no elephants propositioned, no pictures taken.**
| o^o |
rolly
I have my own bad driking exeriences like that when I was in High school. hahaha Maybe I've grown a little wiser after all, huh?
Actually, the fun in drinking is getting drunk and having wild but clean fun. You haven't gone over board yet so no harm done. The thing is you were able to party hard. Course it's too hard picking the pieces in the morning.
(kunsintidor ako no?)
| o^o |
Deek Deekster
well done, well done indeed, really, very very very well done, transience, you got pissed and snogged a girl. fabulous. i've been doing that for years, it's great isn't it? and with a blue tongue too! honestly you are so creative, it's a thrill to have you join us. welcome to the wonderful girl-kissing community, i'm so proud to know you.
i will send you the badge first thing in the morning.
| o^o |
small squirrel
hahahahahha.
hahahahahah.
hahahahahah.
ahem.
OK, well.... I am italian. and with that comes the badge of honor of having an alcohol tolerance that rivals most merchant marines. Of course it also means that by the time I am pissed, I am wholly ruined. It takes a little less now that I am older, but sheeeeesh. We won't tell the stories here. But let's just say there is some poor bastard of a resident at a hospital in italy that got an eyeful after i fell off the roof of a VW bus and needed stitches on my ass. All the fault of my cousins, por suposto, yeah? Definitely NOT my fault!!!! And if all you chatted up was a elephant, you're in good shape... hee!
| o^o |
Jay
There is nothing shameful in that.
It's kind of cute though.
| o^o |
You've Got What I Need...
Ah, no love. The name of your shame is "Something" the Porcelain Elephant. The 5% alcohol was meerly the carnival wagon you rode in on.
Bless you.
I usually go toe up to John Denver. The names may change but the shame is still the same.
| o^o |
deryke
well, well, well, i am seeing a different trans. i kinda dig the drunken lil monkey. its nice to hear of you throwing a lil caution to the wind. did you read jason's entries on my comments? oh the devilish drink!
eat more plankton!
| o^o |
RuKsaK
I look forward to your posts more than most and when they come I know why - they are superb.
I love your mix of savvy, cosmopolitan sense and your ability to take the piss out of it and move me all in one.
I'd buy you a drink if I could.
| o^o |
A-hole!
jesus fucking christ doing disco! hahaha! i didn't know you had it in you, buddy.
anyway, it happens to the best of us.
cheers!
| o^o |
Stan
I think it's safe to move in here at the tail end of the comments, where nobody will see me, and admit sheepishly that I've never been drunk.
| o^o |
Calaloola
You're singing my tune now, girl. When I was in high school I used to drink so much nasty sweet wine that I would start being sick at midnight and not finish until a good 16 hours later. The doctor calls it alcohol poisoning. It earned me the moniker Ten Chuch Cassy (my pirate name!) at Schoolies' Week (a post-high school graduation orgy on the Queensland Gold Coast that happens in Oz every November). I used to try and out-drink male friends twice my size. It took me a long time to accept that I am, in fact, a slight 5' 2" female. I still share your low tolerance problem. And I've thrown up in the bathroom (or bin bag) of every place of employment I've ever had. But I have no regrets. I owe some of my best nights to Lady Liquor :)
| o^o |
that kid. no that one.
i feel you so hardcore on this one. my maximum drink limit has been 2 ever since i grew boobies. before that i could pound the adolescent liquor like macaulay culkin could only fantasize about. puberty loses.
| o^o |
transience
jason >> that's something to think about. lightweight is good. i'm just not sure about the amateur, though. that rubs me the wrong way, heh. and i agree. bad, bad drugs need a-spanking.
ninjato >> ooohhh! i wanna see you drunk. i wanna wanna wanna. and then i'm going to sing. do you know what the song will be?
lorena >> yeah, it was fun. drunk shaming, but fun. it could've been a lot worse.
blog ho >> i hate the gravelly feeling of hurling. that is all. and you're getting all hung up on the schoolgirl uniform. my fault, really. good luck on the phone. give me a call if you're free.
culturekitchen >> hehe! thanks! good to see you're back and glowing.
kishore >> are you a lousy drunk?
carolvs >> i know. it's sooooo embarrassing. i hope i'm still in your good graces. and btw, the elephant has not spoken to me again. i am sad.
rolly >> you're such a cool dad. hehe.
deek >> i knew you would like that. and thanks a million for the link! i will download your stuff when i get home. woot!
i have to say that i am proud to know you, too. i will be waiting for that badge. and the dancing bananas that you promised me that have still not arrived.
squirrel >> you got stitches on your ass? oh man! you're cracking me up here, little lady! hahahahaha!
jay >> cute but embarrassing. i wish it had happened to someone else, heh.
ygwin >> ah. you have put it so eloquently. thank you. and why can't i post a comment on your site? it's killing me, sweetie!
deryke >> but we still like each other, yes? that's the important thing.
ruksak >> aawww, shucks. now i'm getting all flustered. i'll take a raincheck on that drink, though. i need to find me a new porcelain elephant that will actually appreciate all the attention. hope the dissertation is coming along fine.
a >> oh, damn. i have lost face in front of you, great beer-god.
stan >> good for you, i say! i've missed you around here. i hope you are well. and linda, too.
calaloola >> ten chuch cassy?! god, that is so cool. you have a way of sucking the marrow out of life. hats off to you! (oh, and i'm 5'1". i know what you mean.)
tk.nto. >> that was such a masterful way of putting it. ever since i grew boobies, the liquor just faded into the background. look at me now.
| o^o |
Calaloola
that should read 'ten chucK cassy', but yeah, you get my meaning... ;)
| o^o |
Aleksu
Well, sounds like someone had a par-tay.
No pics of your blue tongue playing with your girlfriend's tongue?
Well, the old fellas in the retirement home down the street are going to be heartbroked when they hear that.
| o^o |
EGO SVM CAROLVS
Hey trans I still think you rock! :^)
| o^o |
A-hole!
lost face? beer-god?
okay, hold it right there.
first of all, there's no need to be embarassed. believe me. i've done worse. i've tried throwing up in the classroom during an exam; i've tried it in a parking lot inside a friend's car; tried it in a locker room; onboard a bus; onboard a ship; tried it in a hotel lobby tried it in the office bathroom, i even did a stunt in cityhall. anyway, point is, it happens to most of us. it's very amusing when you and your friends talk about it several years from now.... actually, no. it's not amusing.
anyway...
beer-god?
more like beerbelly-god if you ask me.
happy chuggin'!
| o^o |
You've Got What I Need...
You are unable to post a comment? Since it is a well known fact that Lord Blogger both giveth then taketh away, I wouldn't be worried if I were you.
Although, I'm thinking about doing some sort of sacrifice to speed things along... hmmm... maybe...
What do you think?
| o^o |
Jax
Mwaaahhh hahahaha! :: cracks open another one ::
ha! Why is the rum gone???? Allow me to introduce myself... my name is Jax, I am the god of wine!
:: saunters off singing Barry Manilow ::
I love this song!
| o^o |
monsterspank
ooh baby, i wanna party with you!. but only if there's an ocean so you can talk to fish when you're buzzed whenever you want and i'll take pictures! hah! ankle bracelts are pretty sexy, but really, i think if you sneezed i would think that's hot, only cause it is you and i have this illogical crush on you and not just cause you use the word sesquepedalian or cause you have a marked up copy of the kama sutra.
| o^o |
Muhammad
is the alcohol just an escapism? But then the bigger question remains, what are we escaping from?
Everybody runs away from something, the question is what? and the fun in the middle of the drunken ecstasy... is it real? or the hangover afterward?
Too many questions... but then only one really matters. What am i doing?
Peace.
M.
| o^o |
mussolini
and once again, I HAVE A PICTURE OF YOU KISSING ONE OF OUR GIRL FRIENDS. transience, you are going to make me very rich. :)
| o^o |
ninjato
Um no...am not one for repeat performances and certainly not on a public venue (and let's just say that my language becomes much more colorful when drunk) =)
and I can pretty much guess what you would sing, so I don't think I'm looking forward to seeing you drunk in my presence either hehehe =p because the humiliation would then cause me to want to drink more and then the mad cycle would go on and so...no =)
| o^o |
deryke
that is the worst question ever. of course.
| o^o |
Corsarius
i distinctly remember guzzling down 3 bottles of colt 45, 5 san miguel lights, and maybe 10 rounds of gin pomelo last last Christmas. i consequently had the worst hangover of my life. as if that bunch of drinks were that tough. i certainly wasn't. :D
| o^o |
AuroraBorealis
maybe i should try getting drunk one of these days... i wanna know how that feels... but then again...
| o^o |
transience
calaloola >> yes, of course. and yes, you rock!
blex >> hahahaha! naughty! the retirement home will be a lot safer without those pictures. trust me.
carolvs >> thank you. i may be a lousy drunk but i have great friends. heh.
a >> i like beer god better than beer-belly god, if you ask me.
ygwin >> how about the sacrifice of the five-inch heels? sounds heartbreaking, but we do what we have to do, yes?
jax >> you've been drinking again.
monsterspank >> i am speechless and flustered. what have you done to me?
m >> you have the answer to that question, my friend. and remember: there is no spoon.
mussolini >> oh, HUSH. you have to sell that van, remember?
ninjato >> i'll see you tonight.
deryke >> i didn't want to seem presumptuous.
corsarius >> hi there! is your asthma better? i'd like to see you drunk...and playing basketball.
aurora >> i would talk you out of it if i could.
| o^o |
bismuth
i bet it was good fun. : )
| o^o |
d.K.m
u asked me if I was a lousy drunk?
Well! I may be lousy .. I may be a drunk .. but rarely both at the same time .. haha
| o^o |
transience
bismuth >> you, of all people, would know.
kishore >> i'm so glad to hear that. hehehe.
| o^o |
Jax
No more than usual darling. A glass of wine a day keeps in the mood to parTAY
haha that was so bad.
| o^o |
Prat
Getting *hic* drunk isnt a bad thing at all.
Ask the tree outside my window, he knows. He gets hugged so tight, he doesnt complain.
The world *hic* is funny and happy.
| o^o |
Ostrich
As i sit here reading, i have beer in hand and sadly i'm feeling buzzy on this tiny pint. Tomorrow i will have to pay dearly with my voice, i know that. Oh! the SHAME!
| o^o |
vicieus
I am just letting you know, and perhaps you already do, that an mails I am sending to you are coming back.. as failed.
"Mail Delivery Subsystem
mailer-daemon@gmail.com to me
More options 8:42pm (18 minutes ago)
This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification
Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently:
Technical details of permanent failure:
TEMP_FAILURE: Could not initiate SMTP conversation with any hosts:"
You can delete this message of course, but I had no other way to tell you.
-D
| o^o |
sheryl
hey trans. something like this has happened to me once or twice in the past. i still cringe when i remember it now, although i usually just try to laugh it off.
i agree with paningit, it does happen to the best of us.
| o^o |
karma
hehe trance. couple o sips of beer can have me dancing on the tables. too much blood in our alcohol streams, methinks ... hic ;))
| o^o |
transience
jax >> i agree. it doesn't suit you, heh.
prat >> ohmigod. when i was a little girl, i used to hug trees, too. and then the chafing began. but i've never tried hugging one drunk. i am afraid of what it'll do to the tree.
ostrich >> you seem poised still. and i don't think you'd hit on anything inanimate. hope your voice is doing okay. and thanks for dropping by.
d >> hey there. i sent an email to your gmail account but i don't know if you've received it. i haven't had any problems with my account lately (except for what happened the last time), though i'm not so sure as i haven't been online for the past two days. i hope you're doing well. you can drop me a line at transience_i@hotmail.com or my_transience@yahoo.com if you want.
sheryl >> i hope there weren't any pictures, though. hehe.
karma >> i've never had enough liquor to have myself dancing on tables. i heard it can be fun--if you're careful, that is.
| o^o |
claudzki
bwahaha...sorry m late...
see! this is what happens when you post stuff online...43+ comments on how to handle yourself with alcohol...
hehe...looking forward to more 5% alcohol-(mis)adventure posts :D
| o^o |
Jax
Sorry Trans... what can I say? I've been overworked this week and underpaid.
...but I'm getting better; i was tempted to make that comment rhyme, but stopped myself this time.
| o^o |
transience
claudzki >> the real reason why it was so entertaining is because i got wonky on five percent alcohol.
jax >> hey! your last line rhymed! did you do that on purpose?
| o^o |
john
oh man. i'm 40+ comments late on this one.
anyways, this was fun reading trans.
only that linda ronstadt is a bad choice for 5% alcohol shame. try something with a little more panache - uhmmm... late '90s Guns 'n Roses would do perfect, i think.
hehehe. fun fun fun.
| o^o |
transience
oh god. just don't tell anyone else, okay?
| o^o |
Jax
I can't believe you are actually asking me that Trans...
| o^o |
pedal up
