thank you .


excising the bicycle
Friday, July 21st, 2006

I've lost count of how many useless emotions i've discarded in the past two weeks. as it turns out, some of the most sordid affairs are not random at all but a series of small betrayals. a stranger can't betray you, i realize that. but someone closer to you can.

i would rather he had not asked for forgiveness. because there is no forgiveness for certain kinds of hate. friends do not forgive each other everything; they draw a line somewhere so the cycle of hurting stops. in writing this down now, i find that something of me has gone into deep hiding, and no amount of coaxing will lure it out. abandonment has that effect. and it cuts both ways. abandonment hurts the one who is leaving as much as the one who is left behind. it's unfair, but pain doesn't play favorites.

my bouts with trust have been few and far between since. it's kind of lonely like this, but very edifying. i mean, it's sad to outlive your purpose at some point in your life. on the other hand, it's wonderful when you can pick up where you left off, and when you find that some things stayed beautiful, just the way you left them.