Monday, December 06, 2005
the best of both, for once
you're so beautiful, a beautiful fucked up man building a mystery, sarah mclachlan
here i go quoting lines from a song again. but apparently, it's not because i'm careening into an abyss of dejection. quite the opposite, really. it seems sadness and i have an extreme case of incompatibility. so from desolation to a dystopian examination of faith, i'm now falling into old familiar shoes.
i swore i would never do this again. this, meaning, make a big, bold declaration of love. i've done it unconsciously in the past, much to my embarrassment. but it looks like i'm topping myself this year, because this year, i'm going to make the big, bold declaration twice.
i am in love.
oh god, i'm cringing already.
let's do that again so i don't forget how humbling onself feels like.
i am in love.
right now, i think i'm feeling the irrefragable happiness most girls feel after they've been proposed to and they've said yes. except that he didn't really propose and i didn't really say yes. so it's like a twisted version of boy-meets-girl-and-they-fall-in-love, but for the fact that kwee and i have been together for a little more than four years. and it all started with a kiss, of all things. just before we alighted from his alfa romeo to go to the mall. imagine.
when you've been together for so long, you fall into a comfortable routine: nightly phone calls, saturday dates, states of impecuniousness after indulging in too many expensive dinners, anniversaries, buying groceries, attending friends' weddings.
after so long, he knows that i will always be irritable when i'm hungry, that i will always have a chronic habit of trying on shoes, that i will always be affectionate, that i will always be irreverent, that i will always like movies with subtitles, that i will always prefer my hair tousled than perfect, that i will always gesticulate when using colorful language, that i will always think my friends are the most brilliant people i know, that i will, somehow, always take my work seriously, that i will always covet the pulitzer until i get one of my own, that i will always ask to have the last piece of sashimi.
after so long, i know that he will always cuddle after making love, that he will always insist on using a fork with symmetrical tines, that he will always be an impeccable dresser, that he will always ignore me on tuesdays when his favorite TV shows are on, that he will always have more moles than i can name, that he will always look delicious with a tan, that he will always give amazing foot rubs, that he will always be wary of conflict, that he will always be a little teensy tiny bit richer than me, that he will always hold me when i cry, that he will always let me have the last piece of sashimi.
after so long, there will always be that one moment of astounding clarity when you see why of all the beautiful people in the world, you decided to stay with this one. sometimes, it's the simple, familiar things that make you see everything like it was the first time. sometimes, the most unforgettable of passions start from a chaste kiss before alighting from an alfa romeo to go to the mall. sometimes, they're right when they say that a kiss can be deadly if you mean it.
to you, it may sound like i'm gushing. but to me, it sounds more like a death sentence. my pride, as well as my predilection for flirtation, are taking a serious beating. the devil on my shoulder says, fight until your fists bleed, baby. but it looks like i'm down for the count.
somebody call the doctor, please.
i rode north at 11:32 pm
