Thursday, March 10, 2005
love angel music baby
i am a diplomat. i was born one. i realized it from the moment i held a dialogue with my mother's uterine walls. i remember my opening line like it was yesterday. "please do not sqeeze me out unceremoniously. i want to be more than a bloody plop." it was my first great triumph. i was welcomed into the litigating world by the great, shiny scalpel love. c-section. no plop, only a swoosh. praise to the rubaiyat and all that is holy. drinks are on me.
in grade school, even the bullies respected me. they would watch in awe as i twisted my gilded tongue into the nooks and crannies of child psychology. i was a bully's bully. but i never stole incongruous lunches or beat the snot out of my classmates. instead i would say hi hello my name is, spout a big word i had read in the red dictionary and end my one-man (girl) show with a heartfelt pat. the other kid would look at me...then give me his (my) favorite yoghurt. if the word was bigger or the pat more heartfelt, i was assured of a pretty little boy at recess to tie my shoelaces. by the time i was eight, i had hardly bent over. by the time i was eight, my dusty angel halo had hardly fallen off.
i only wished i knew then what i know now.
at an event three days ago, my company's executive vice president tapped me on the shoulder. he asked me a forgettable question and i answered a forgettable answer. but i marveled at the audacity of the shoulder-tapping. only diplomats would suffer shoulder-tappings from an EVP. any normal human being would simply ignore him. but no, not me. i am a diplomat. let me entertain you with my conversation. let me inebriate you with my sparkling wit. let me pacify your ego. let me turn your head with the music of my words. let me turn my head when you tap me on the goddamn shoulder. let me.
i think it is the beginning of my moral degradation. even my honesty is considered social paraphernalia.
"so what brings you to this charitable function?"
"me? i'm only here for the food."
"oh, that is very funny."
"no. i am only here for the food."
"ha-ha."
"no. the food here is fucking a."
"is that the thing to say nowadays? then for whatever it's worth, i'm here for the food, too."
oh no, baby. do not throw your lot in with mine. i am a diplomat. that in itself is a curse of gargantuan proportions. diplomats are privy to the worst kind of oppression—forced, festering neutrality. do not throw your lot in with mine.
.
.
.
.
okay, so this rant about my other job does not make sense. see? i am a true diplomat. even in my rage, my tact remains legendary.
i rode north at 10:53 PM
35 kph
::Pedal up::
Lorena pedaled up to say...
i love that you were a bully's bully. everyone needs someone like that in grade school.
still wearing that halo? :)
btw, that is annoying when you give an honest answer on how you feel (about the food) and someone presumes you're just saying that to 'be cool'.
12:02 AM
Jay pedaled up to say...
I adore how you wove the concept of lamb into this post, especially because the post itself highlights how you are a lamb of a diplomat (oh how I envy you that!), so in reality, you've told two stories at once: transience is a bully and a lamb, which makes us love her twice as much.
1:35 AM
deryke pedaled up to say...
even the complaining is not without its charm. you must be a diplomat. i am i dire need of some mediation. ;)
6:04 AM
Anti-Blogger pedaled up to say...
i came here for the food. Where is it?
9:59 AM
john pedaled up to say...
i am actually not surprised that you were that way in grade school. tee hee.
and yeah, neutrality is just so blech! for me. feels like there's no sense of solidity there whatsoever.
no offense meant, though. i'm sure i like you just fine being witty and neutral. works for you.
10:11 AM
You've Got What I Need... pedaled up to say...
drinks are on you? hot damn. did i key into the least intellectual component of this post? yes. am I ashamed by this? moderately. does this negate the fact that i will still (sheepishly) drink your drinks? absolutely not. porcelain elephants be damned. get your tracksuit and tennies on for it is time to get down.
11:10 AM
claudzki pedaled up to say...
nah, i was the the BULLIED one...first day of school and already pushed around...sniff...
but yeah...
i guess everyone's just in it for the food these days :D
12:48 PM
ninjato pedaled up to say...
Ah misread sarcasm at its finest...I know people who think that sarcasm is just meant as a witty retort of sorts, but what they don't get is that when someone is sarcastic there is an honest element to it that a lot of people fail or seemingly refuse to see, they seem to think of it as simply someone being deadpan and humorous...which for me makes it more appealing, especially in a hostile or politically charged working environment, it's like saying fuck you in front of people without them actually noticing that you are actually saying it =)
2:27 PM
monsterspank pedaled up to say...
It's been days since I tried posting here! The traffic, the roads under construction ... and to think I've been riding spankcar all this time without you! ANyway, just wanted to say hello, how are you?, don't get scorched with work, and you know me so well ... ;-)
2:39 PM
Jax pedaled up to say...
If there's any scorching to be done, surely it should be left to me.
And trans, whatcha waitin for? take a chance you...
3:07 PM
retarius pedaled up to say...
i admire your tact and your forthrightness. and the fact that you are a sassy woman who takes no crap and knows where all the good food is.
6:35 PM
retarius pedaled up to say...
ninjato - sarcasm is the highest form of humor, it takes intelligence and a fairly robust background to understand it. it's a great way to weed out the dumb ones.
6:36 PM
jason pedaled up to say...
damn skippy you are! i admire diplomats
6:39 PM
karma pedaled up to say...
wow, you're the girl that got the others to beat me up after school!
7:53 PM
small squirrel pedaled up to say...
ooooooooo, the insidious shoulder tap. I am very diplomatic, believe it or not... but the shoulder tap could reduce me to fisticuffs. So good for you, you're a stronger woman than I will ever be. My ass would have been out of a job... all over a tap. :)
As for bullying... well, I was always the very smallest child in school. So people tried to pick on me. And I would either talk or charm my way out of it, and then plot my revenge.
8:38 PM
ninjato pedaled up to say...
retarius - exactly =)
1:57 AM
transience pedaled up to say...
yay! we can post comments!
lorena >> hehe. i am afraid i have fallen from grace. the halo is lost right now, but i think it's been swept under the rug. i have yet to check. and yeah, the honesty is often misconstrued.
jay >> i really never thought of it that way. it's a really cool perspective, thank you. and i love you twice as much, too.
deryke >> dire need? mediation? let me at it.
ab >> och. and where have you been? the scampi has since grown cold. not that you eat scampi.
john >> i am that predictable? oh well. i guess i make neutral slammin'. heh.
ygwin >> i am sure the drinks are part of the intellectuality, too. and yeah, my costume is out and sizzling. let's party.
claudzki >> i would never have you pushed around. promise.
ninjato >> ooohhh. i am missing the import of something here.
monsterspank>> but i'm glad you arrived. being kindred spirits have made us mind readers, so yes, i do know you so well. i will call you later and you will talk.
jax >> burns.
retarius >> and believe me, i know good food. great quip about sarcasm, btw. i totally agree.
jason >> wow. thanks.
karma >> i never beat kids up after school. just got their yoghurt. did you bring any yoghurt to school? did you? did you?
squirrel >> wahahahaha! i love love love italians. i think i said this already. but yeah, you guys are great.
11:20 AM
Jax pedaled up to say...
you know as well as I do that you'll never feel the heat while you continue to wait.
if you want fire, move towards the flame.
12:03 PM
monsterspank pedaled up to say...
I'm going to the mall but I'll be home for dinner with my mom. Talk with you will be very good. I really need it right now :-(
3:12 PM
rolly pedaled up to say...
Ah, a bully's bully sans the violence. Something everyone should be - a diplomat :-)
4:12 AM
RuKsaK pedaled up to say...
You're no diplomat. I know diplomats and they couldn't write like this if you threatened them with tax. However, I'm sure you could walk-the-walk of one.
5:12 AM
rain pedaled up to say...
i love that you are a bully's bully. makes you perfect for the role of my evil rocking godmother minus the tap dance and the bippity-boppity-boo.ÜÜÜ
11:33 AM
solo flite pedaled up to say...
i always thought you were the more domineering (or is it dominatrix) type :)
I think i was pretty much like that when i was a kid hehe
http://soloflite.blogspot.com/2004/08/alls-fair.html
11:40 AM
Mr Anigans pedaled up to say...
i really enjoy reading you. one day soon i will screw my head on long enough to indulge in your archives. you make language seem like craft.
i learned diplomacy. somewhere along the way it was left in my care. i'm not sure i appreciate it.
12:28 PM
JErm pedaled up to say...
bring in your diplomacy between me and my goddamn-forsaken life!! PLEASEEEE!!! *begging*
3:59 PM
CAROLVS pedaled up to say...
Diplomats can truly put up with the worst of them. Can you give me a crash course? :^)
12:57 AM
Mere Existence pedaled up to say...
I play a diplomat sometimes, but really, I'm just a social assassin. Touching my shoulder can be a bad thing. Thanks for waking me out of a mind-numbing Monday stupor btw.
4:33 AM
transience pedaled up to say...
jax >> maybe when i'm stronger.
ennui >> i forgot to tell you something the other night. dammit. oh well, we're meeting up this weekend anyway, right?
rolly >> no, no. too many diplomats and there wouldn't be enough shit to swim in.
RuKsaK >> maybe i haven't been threatened enough with tax yet.
rain >> my wand is out. just tell me when you're ready. anything you want is yours. hehe.
solo >> that was an evil way of putting it, hehe. loved the entry, btw. it awakened my social consciousness. that doesn't happen a lot.
mr. a >> thank you very much. maybe you could tell me when you're going to visit my archives so i can dust a little. as for diplomacy, be careful. it bites. and it has rabies.
JErm >> fill up a form.
carolvs >> sure thing! it's going to cost you, though.
mere existence >> you're welcome. first-class diplomat service just for you.
9:48 AM
paningit pedaled up to say...
jet set crash and no star
9:40 AM
transience pedaled up to say...
no star?! dammit.
11:23 AM
JErm pedaled up to say...
awww complication.. what happened to free hugs??
2:43 PM
transience pedaled up to say...
you still need to fill up a form.
2:56 PM
paningit pedaled up to say...
yeah, no star. fucking-a. heh. :)
3:05 PM
Ostrich pedaled up to say...
It'a not silly or nonsensical at all. being a diplomat can be a complete curse, believe me i know. You end up being such a pacifist to other peoples distresses and wants, you are completely adaptable to any situation, you know exactly how to make people feel good about themselves. I totally get it. You often end up playing so many roles that you don't remember where YOU really stand on the issue. I have the same problem and it often makes me very numb. But i guess knowing it is harnessing it.
5:18 PM
transience pedaled up to say...
yes, a pacifist. losing your own face to wear the many masks that allow you to seemingly slip through life unscathed.
11:44 AM
::Pedal up::
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