30.5.07

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

jackassery

a beautiful word, that one. jackassery. used to decribe me writing that 621 (634 if you count the quote)-word monstrosity that was yesterday's post. it's the longest piece of copy i've written so far, and about love even. if i keep writing such treatises so long that their printouts can be wrapped around the earth's equator twice, i'll lose my job, where concise is king. my boyfriend is bad for business.

22 kph

retarius pedaled up to say...

wow, you are right, jackassery is a pretty cool word, i love how it trills off the toungue. i must overuse it the first chance i get. if your boyfreind is bad for business, perhaps you are in the wrong business, at least while you have him. regarding the note you left on my blog...trans (may i call you trans?) you are TOO much kind...thank you very nice.

7:20 PM
JErm pedaled up to say...

while i am one i would have to agree! ;p

8:17 PM
transience pedaled up to say...

retarius >> trans is fine. and you're welcome. off the record, though, i tried some free writing of my own and i sucked. big time. so for now, i'll languish in the stuff that you do and hopefully, be inspired.

JErm >> really now.

9:51 PM
monsterspank pedaled up to say...

I wouldn't say concise was king and I have one on there probably around a 3000 word count. It all depends on what you are looking to read. If you want movie trailers, book snippets, then concise is great, tells you what you need to know. However.. if you want to go on a journey of the psyche.. that's where people like us come in.. Jackassery is the belief that you need to conform to the concise masses.. fuck the mainstream!

Yeah, you know who.

10:02 PM
transience pedaled up to say...

you make "fuck" sound so eloquent.

and i only say concise is king because ad copy should be concise and i'm a copywriter and concise ad copy is what clients want and i should probably switch off work mode now because my strep throat is getting worse and i need some sleep.

yeah, well after that reply...fuck concise.

10:28 PM
ninjato pedaled up to say...

Heh...I agree it is a cool word...thank god I haven't had the opportunity to use it in that capacity, nor do I plan to...ever...of course I might be liable to eat my words but at the moment I'm pretty comfortable with what I just said =)

PS.
Am back after a week-long hiatus but am doing an article right now (which will be due on Friday. Although am itching to blog, am trying to fight the urge to once again procrastinate and cram everything on the last night, so might not appear again before the weekend, most likely will just pop up here and there =)

12:04 AM
transience pedaled up to say...

hehe. even if you don't find time to post, you find time to visit this girl's blog and leave a comment. you're one of the best scorpions i know.

3:46 AM
JErm pedaled up to say...

in your case i would say concise is goddess.. but what the hell fuck concise!!

7:48 AM
JErm pedaled up to say...

besides i love it when you spread it all down.. ;p

7:49 AM
monsterspank pedaled up to say...

Yeahh.. "Fuccckkk" concise.. (said in raunchy english accent) people want concise they can read a bottled water label.

9:50 AM
transience pedaled up to say...

JErm >> thank you for reading yesterday's post from word 1 to 634. your attention span is laudable.

monsterspank >> love the accent. i haven't heard it yet, but yeah, i'm feeling the love right now.

10:24 AM
JErm pedaled up to say...

i read every byte down to the bits.. even your commas and dots and ones and zeros!! :)

10:46 AM
transience pedaled up to say...

such a stickler for details. hope everything-grammar, semantics, punctuation, yadda yadda-is in order.

4:25 PM
JErm pedaled up to say...

it's a curse i have to live with.. too bad i can't apply it to myself.. :(

5:39 PM
ennui pedaled up to say...

It's always in order even when you talk in your sleep ;>

5:39 PM
transience pedaled up to say...

JErm >> you seem to be doing pretty well on your own.

ennui >> the shame! you're starting to sound like mussolini. so what if i'm anal about things like that?

6:08 PM
monsterspank pedaled up to say...

Well.. "fuck" is a loving kinda word, isn't it? Then again it's a lot of things, handy dandy if you ask me! Like.. "fucking" google hasn't listed me yet, I'm lost in the void. Or.. I forgot where the "fuck" I put my putty trowel and.. that was a "fucking" good song on the radio.. yeah yeah.. heard it before. I just gave it a little personal moxie :) Oh yes, and someday I'll write on my own bloody "fucking" blog but I don't have "fuck" to say except that I'm one tired "fucker" from all this puttying & painting the "fucked-up" walls. 4 pointer. Sorry, you can delete this if you want lol

2:02 AM
transience pedaled up to say...

bwahahahahaha! too funny. too goddamn funny. did you even breathe through that one?

8:09 AM
monsterspank pedaled up to say...

Breathing is as overrated as brevity my dear

8:36 AM
transience pedaled up to say...

then i'm in big trouble.

8:47 AM
Anonymous pedaled up to say...

I know CPR!

7:11 AM
transience pedaled up to say...

i know .

9:38 AM

Pedal Up!

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to norway on a bicycle

my feet take me places. and they don't always touch the ground.
Tour de Force

* name: transience
* i drink my tea with milk and franz kafka.
* HOME
* SYNDICATION

Big Time Sensuality

* awesomedictatorprincess©
* vespertyn
* army of me
* beautiful agony
Deviations
+ ramen messenger
+ berri berriak/bitxikeriak
+ takingthebrim
Backpedaling
+ non sequitur: day four
+ non sequitur: day three
+ non sequitur: day two
+ non sequitur: day one
+ eleven : fifteen
+ the suzhou place
+ seven last words
+ overcome, by the fishermen three
+ the stop-drop sensibilities of the only one who ever really loved you
+ my name is aphrodite
Hitchhiker's Guide
+ fucking brilliant girl, if you ask me.
Tea Party
Linkage
+
+
+
+
+
B-sides and Rarities
+ a fist in the city
+ a fisted finnegan
+ a fist's off-key opera
+ a non-stop cavalcade of fun...revisited
+ blog of funk
+ crammer extraordinaire 4.1
+ dc9000
+ diary of a small squirrel
+ if spock is enough
+ internet addiction word therapy
+ JErmExpress.com
+ kahiti isle
+ love me or blow me, either way
+ my so-called strife
+ naridu wondering
+ phantasmagoria by dKm
+ red.in.green
+ RuKsaK
+ saddlesore review
+ sarah laughs...a lot
+ satirical veracity
+ slip of the pen
+ utility fish erotica
+ waking finnegan
+ what's up with you?
Intimations
+ prothiaden adventure
+ escape to carpathia
+ roundabout revolution
+ drowning bismuth on the way
+ existential despair
+ my life is under construction
+ guardian of the night sky
+ ::spanktography::
Northern Crossing
+ a doll's house
+ a place to breathe
+ a purple breeze
+ alice: in wonderland or not
+ alix in wunderland
+ anonymous antagonists
+ anonymous rowhouse
+ apple pathways
+ assimilate - innovate
+ atomic blue blog
+ bad art
+ baka no jutsu
+ beer notes
+ blue athena's island
+ boudica of suburbia
+ buddhist headscratch
+ buick city complex
+ camera shy
+ chris laughs
+ comienzos...(mi locura)
+ crashmebabyonemoretime
+ crossing guard
+ DLAK's blog of the living dead
+ e vestigio
+ english, august
+ every passing moment
+ fast and dumb
+ fire in the hole
+ fish in a bowl
+ flickeringcolours
+ fotosia
+ fuck it
+ hall of the monkey king
+ hark, imagination!
+ i am following my fish
+ idea-smithy
+ in the blink of an eye
+ irrepressible secrets
+ it's thursday, baby!
+ karma runs over dogma
+ kill the goat
+ kunstemaecker
+ la dauphine
+ life, love, nil
+ life on canvas
+ living the illusion
+ maiden flight
+ mariposa atomica
+ mind of jaxe
+ minstrel in the gallery
+ mottled memories
+ neurotic muse
+ never too late!
+ not small or sweet
+ ooh la la
+ ostrichspeak
+ out of boredom
+ pebbles to pillars
+ pink lemonade diva
+ population statistic
+ put on some gas!
+ queries of inquisition
+ ramblings of an idle insomniac
+ rex venom
+ right and blonde
+ safetinspector main blog
+ same thing, only different
+ searching for blue sea glass
+ shitzen~giggles
+ short black
+ simple american
+ sixty seconds
+ slip of the pen
+ slit trench
+ soloflite's demented mind
+ soul to squeeze
+ space filler
+ subtle vinegar
+ sunlight's like an open fridge
+ the front line
+ the glass wall
+ the lava lamp
+ the mind's playground
+ the paragraph novels
+ the souljacker diaries
+ thinkerinker
+ too cool to function
+ transient revelation
+ trapped in miami
+ trouble on westbourne
+ untainted interpretations
+ vesper's escape
+ violet daze
+ walken around
+ what
+ writings of faith
Yellow Lane
love is like tea with milk [+]
+ 10101
+ a fisherman of the air
+ auroraborealis
+ belligerent bliss
+ carcura
+ erchome
+ full moon obsession
+ grace addict
+ [here is a star-studded sky]
+ hermaphrodites unite
+ introduction
+ jackal
+ just another brain synapse
+ last stop suburbia
+ little light
+ love and forgetting
+ my life in a spoon
+ neel's tips and tidbits
+ nicole 1980+
+ non-ecumenical ramblings
+ pandora's box
+ racing stripes
+ rama the drama
+ reign of the claudzki
+ screams and smiles
+ spicy cauldron
+ starlit whispers
+ stories of bumming around
+ surreal existence
+ technicolored sunset
+ that kid. no that one.
+ the longest journey
+ the shadow of abaniko
+ thought safari
+ tao and zen
+ unsent letters to mary jane
+ welcome the drowning man
+ words
+ you are invited for all time
Milestones
i kissed kafka goodnight [+]
+ july 2004
+ august 2004
+ september 2004
+ october 2004
+ november 2004
+ december 2004
+ january 2005
+ february 2005
+ march 2005
+ april 2005
+ may 2005
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Tuesday, December 13, 2005
non sequitur: day four

the one where they are all suddenly privy to too much, then too little information

in wonderfully accented proletariatese, he asked me, playfully, what sort of things i did behind closed doors. and i, years away from catholic school, told him, deadpan,

i pleasure myself on my stomach, for starters.

i rode north at 3:47 PM 30 kph
Monday, December 05, 2005
non sequitur: day three

the part where almost everything is a conversation, thus, the quotation marks

"i would consider it if i were completely wasted," i answered to his "i don't just want any baby. i want yours. so can we?"

there is something about the ego of a man that is directly proportional to his partner's seeded belly. i knew one part of him was joking. and that the other part was, well, not.

"i don't know. i have nightmares about it being 25 years old, questioning the meaning of life and writing words that will never get published. i fear running around after it, trying to mend its broken heart, just because it didn't get the book deal."

"that's the worst mistake a parent can make—live through her own child. it's thoroughly disgusting."

"i didn't say i would never get published. i was just exercising my right to imagine."

"i think you'd make a wonderful mother, though. despite what you think."

"i'd make a wonderful mother despite being vain, despotic, egotistical and crazed with creativity? you want a nazi?"

"we're an interracial couple, not conjurers. and may i remind you that my eyes are not blue, and neither are yours."

"why do you even want a child? some selfish desire to self-actualize? is it because you need, heaven forbid, a little version of you and me bawling its head off in soiled nappies to truly understand the meaning of martyrdom? do you need it to grow up and make more babies to populate this already very populated earth? do you require a vessel to carry on your name so this society, infected with some kind of degenerative disease, won't forget that it once existed?"

"that was way too many questions in way too sarcastic a manner—not fair. and i haven't decided. so don't influence my bias."

"that's hysterical."

"can't you just accept that i love you and want to have a baby with you?"

"i love you, too. madly. but there's just not enough cause-effect reasoning there to justify that a baby should be the end result of love."

"it's a simple explanation."

"the curse of being human and being so infinitely complex is that we think the simplest explanation is the right one. and what you said isn't even close to an explanation."

"i'm ignoring that. why do you keep referring to our future child as an it anyway?"

"because it hasn't happened. i refuse to give an idea a gender."

"that's a weird argument."

"i can talk circles around you, so you may as well shush."

"sometimes, i don't even believe you."

"yeah, i think i'm way ahead of my time, too."

since there was no other customer at this particular 7-11, the cashier listened in on our exchange, unabashedly, with the ease of someone who has counted out much too much change in front of thousands of suspicious eyes. she, who must have seen too many canisters of potato chips knocked down, thanked her god that there would be one less terror on two legs to test the undeniable force of gravity in a 24-hour convenience store. she gave me a grave nod as i paid for my mineral water.

"your change."

"thank you."

"no, ma'am. thank you."

there was one in this city that would sleep better tonight. and there was one who would wonder if anybody alive even deserved that measly little pleasure.

and you, you who are here with me today, must know that certainty is an illusion, novocain for those who have stopped doubting a world that continues to crash and clash and fall into itself.

i rode north at 7:12 PM 79 kph
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
non sequitur: day two

in which a reference to von trier's film leads me to, one, call a british boy a git, and two, talk about a lapse in affection

you have this preconceived notion, that nobody—listen—that nobody can't possibly attain the same high ethical standards as you. so you exonerate them. i cannot think of anything more arrogant than that...you forgive others with excuses that you would never in the world permit for yourself.
lars von trier, dogville

i'm in a band, the british boy told any vagina that would listen. possibly maybe a mental jaw dropped.

afterwards, when the initial shock had worn off, he said, no, he did not watch such von trier films. perhaps that statement should have ended something before it had even begun, a blinking neon sign pointing out that no, there was no mistake that he was a mistake. but none of you warned me that bad boys make the best goddamn cocaine.

he was a child, except where it mattered the most, inside the black pants with the leather buckles that went all the way up to his crotch. and he said again, this time to this vagina, that, no, he did not watch such von trier films. only today, it came out as, no, i don't bloody watch that crap. and i said, under my breath, what a git. only to him, it came out as, i love you, i want to have your baby.

some benevolent five-foot, one-inch god in me smiled up at the six-foot, two-inch daemon in him. there was a flicker of recognition, as old as time, and the powers-that-be canceled each other out like an outage, leaving us two to destroy each other in the universally accepted manner.

through a word addiction.

is it any surprise that we ended—1,064 documented conversations later—with me bidding him a sordid goodbye?

possibly maybe if he had watched the von trier film, he would have seen that the girl shoots the boy in the end, the perfect illustration of a conclusion. then maybe he would have taken the necessary precautions, like, for example, refrain from saying things such as, no, i do not watch such von trier films. but none of you warned him that good girls make the best goddamn cocaine.

if there is any real death, it is the random expiration of affection. when the breath of farewell leaves through the eyes and a half-open mouth, we have no choice but to forgive it. it is the arrogant thing to do.

i rode north at 6:04 PM 58 kph
Thursday, November 24, 2005
non sequitur: day one

wherein it unfolds that what seems like fiction isn't fiction at all but a real-life story of the pointless randomness of things

strangely, when i happened by, there was nothing else, not even the sound of bass mekanik. the beautiful machine was not waiting by the front door, as i had hoped, nor was it driving by in silly circles around what was a poor excuse for a rotunda. the face of my frailty fell into place, like a latch on the door that made a faint click. so i dialed a number. it would not be the first time.

i had taken off a party hat to don yet another one. two parties in one night. for a person who had an aversion to certain social proclivities, my situation was a unique one. if it was happy circumstance or an ominous sign of the utter senselessness which was to unfold, i would not know, until the end of my narrative.

ten minutes after placing the call, i rounded the bend. the pebbles on the gravel thumped as if responding to a rhythm from the sewers below the city streets. and there it was, from the source, the sound. the sound of bass mekanik and nothing else.

it was as if that entire moment had centered itself on the realization that things happen just because they do. that though there may seem to be an unseen hand guiding the course of events, there is none. that though life assumes the form and shape of fiction, it is not. randomness is the fruit of a tree that springs up in the most unlikely of places—like on a street corner beside the lamppost or in an abandoned house whose floor just gave way to the soil—just because it can. a tree punching a hole through a roof by way of the ground is no stranger than a man falling in love with the wrong woman.

i could have said that on my way from one party to another, i lost the ride that was supposed to take me from here to there. that i found it again after making a call and rounding the bend. but i didn't. instead, i described the night's events as if reality had left the world. as if the world had left me.

***
i will be the experimental diarist for the time being. bear with me.

i rode north at 6:30 PM 57 kph
Friday, November 11, 2005
eleven : fifteen

you touch your face. fingertips to forehead. you squint into a gently riddled sky like it was in the way.

there it is, the unconscious gesture of someone who has explicitly, unexplicably gone from me. on the board where the specials are written in chalk, the cappuccino misses a P. nobody else in his right mind notices. the white corelle dishes whisper among themselves, audience to our good graces.

we shouldn't have taken a place near the window : it's alright

my conscience tells me that we should leave now if we want to escape (whatever you call) this intact. the runaway tendencies should have kicked in somewhere between the second drink and the fourth forkful, but it seems they've run away, too. so we stay.

you should try this : maybe later

you smile, but it hits the ground and breaks in a ballet of tangents. i would name that smile (to the eyes it doesn't quite reach) the way i've named every other part of you, inch by excruciating inch. i would lay you out in soft, empty spaces and take you against your will, against the wall of my distant affection. i would breathe you in, move inside you so deeply you would never forget. but not right now—you are much too painful for me.

i think it's best we leave our intimacies at the table.

so tell me : but i've nothing to say

how you destroy me. to build me up again. to destroy me. everytime, i am a little less. then a little more. then a little something whose width and breadth and depth i hardly recognize.

later, when we're done jerking unseen boundaries back and forth like teaspoons doing duel, we will walk the walk of the amicable back to the car. like nothing happened. we will go home to our respective beds and lie there pretending. like it didn't matter. the scent of the evening will mark us on the delicate skin of our wrists.

let's ask for the check now : the check, please

nine minutes until closing time. i know because the waiter just flipped the sign. he's always spot on.

outside, escaping moonshine finger-traces the shivering pavement. a hopeful customer with a crooked collar is turned away at the door.

i rode north at 5:41 PM 74 kph
Thursday, November 10, 2005
the suzhou place

i know i am almost 70 kinds of cool because i can change from short shorts to hakama-style pants sitting down.

in a car with untinted windows.
driving down the main thoroughfare.
with my wingman calling me an exhibitionist.

i have an unusual repertoire of talents.

the evening was hot. the casual restaurant had an unspoken dress code, so i had to look more conservative if i wanted to eat. the boy with whom i had interracial relations with wasn't complaining about my attire, to be honest, but we both agreed suzhou cuisine was on the menu, not me.

we were there for the specialty, the shallot pancake. when the server brought ours out, it didn't look like much. it was a thinly rolled cake, eight inches in diameter. i ate each wedge by folding it tightly into rolls with my chopsticks, an occurence that sparked some heated debate over etiquette.

i won. though i don't think he realized that the soothing effect of the jasmine tea plus my expert footsie cost him precious points.

by the end of the evening, neither of us cared very much about anything but the warm, bland goodness of the food in front of us. a great meal and great company stays the hand of cruel, stoic reality for a good two hours and 17 minutes. believe me, the clock was accurate and i was keeping count.

today, i am entirely changed. i am convinced it was the shallots.

she (of the shimmering shoulders, the norwegian discos, the botticelli hair, the heartbreaker words) agrees. we wrote back and forth about it, too. i am only sorry that i didn't get the recipe. obviously, the restaurant owner and i didn't see eye-to-eye on spreading the love. besides, he babbled on and on in fookien. and i don't speak fookien.

a word of wisdom for the unwary. use the ginger dipping sauce, not the soy. if you want to go asian, you may as well do it right. and i don't mean that in a dirty old dude kind of way.

life's a party. i'm here for the food and i'm out to save the world with my little foodie tips. watch out.

i rode north at 8:57 PM 71 kph
Monday, November 07, 2005
seven last words

i feel everything you're afraid to feel.

i rode north at 1:43 PM 77 kph
Notify Blogger about objectionable content.
What does this mean?
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to norway on a bicycle

my feet take me places. and they don't always touch the ground.
Tour de Force

* name: transience
* i drink my tea with milk and franz kafka.
* HOME
* SYNDICATION

Big Time Sensuality

* awesomedictatorprincess©
* vespertyn
* army of me
* beautiful agony
Deviations
+ ramen messenger
+ berri berriak/bitxikeriak
+ takingthebrim
Backpedaling
+ non sequitur: day four
+ non sequitur: day three
+ non sequitur: day two
+ non sequitur: day one
+ eleven : fifteen
+ the suzhou place
+ seven last words
+ overcome, by the fishermen three
+ the stop-drop sensibilities of the only one who ever really loved you
+ my name is aphrodite
Hitchhiker's Guide
+ fucking brilliant girl, if you ask me.
Tea Party
Linkage
+
+
+
+
+
B-sides and Rarities
+ a fist in the city
+ a fisted finnegan
+ a fist's off-key opera
+ a non-stop cavalcade of fun...revisited
+ blog of funk
+ crammer extraordinaire 4.1
+ dc9000
+ diary of a small squirrel
+ if spock is enough
+ internet addiction word therapy
+ JErmExpress.com
+ kahiti isle
+ love me or blow me, either way
+ my so-called strife
+ naridu wondering
+ phantasmagoria by dKm
+ red.in.green
+ RuKsaK
+ saddlesore review
+ sarah laughs...a lot
+ satirical veracity
+ slip of the pen
+ utility fish erotica
+ waking finnegan
+ what's up with you?
Intimations
+ prothiaden adventure
+ escape to carpathia
+ roundabout revolution
+ drowning bismuth on the way
+ existential despair
+ my life is under construction
+ guardian of the night sky
+ ::spanktography::
Northern Crossing
+ a doll's house
+ a place to breathe
+ a purple breeze
+ alice: in wonderland or not
+ alix in wunderland
+ anonymous antagonists
+ anonymous rowhouse
+ apple pathways
+ assimilate - innovate
+ atomic blue blog
+ bad art
+ baka no jutsu
+ beer notes
+ blue athena's island
+ boudica of suburbia
+ buddhist headscratch
+ buick city complex
+ camera shy
+ chris laughs
+ comienzos...(mi locura)
+ crashmebabyonemoretime
+ crossing guard
+ DLAK's blog of the living dead
+ e vestigio
+ english, august
+ every passing moment
+ fast and dumb
+ fire in the hole
+ fish in a bowl
+ flickeringcolours
+ fotosia
+ fuck it
+ hall of the monkey king
+ hark, imagination!
+ i am following my fish
+ idea-smithy
+ in the blink of an eye
+ irrepressible secrets
+ it's thursday, baby!
+ karma runs over dogma
+ kill the goat
+ kunstemaecker
+ la dauphine
+ life, love, nil
+ life on canvas
+ living the illusion
+ maiden flight
+ mariposa atomica
+ mind of jaxe
+ minstrel in the gallery
+ mottled memories
+ neurotic muse
+ never too late!
+ not small or sweet
+ ooh la la
+ ostrichspeak
+ out of boredom
+ pebbles to pillars
+ pink lemonade diva
+ population statistic
+ put on some gas!
+ queries of inquisition
+ ramblings of an idle insomniac
+ rex venom
+ right and blonde
+ safetinspector main blog
+ same thing, only different
+ searching for blue sea glass
+ shitzen~giggles
+ short black
+ simple american
+ sixty seconds
+ slip of the pen
+ slit trench
+ soloflite's demented mind
+ soul to squeeze
+ space filler
+ subtle vinegar
+ sunlight's like an open fridge
+ the front line
+ the glass wall
+ the lava lamp
+ the mind's playground
+ the paragraph novels
+ the souljacker diaries
+ thinkerinker
+ too cool to function
+ transient revelation
+ trapped in miami
+ trouble on westbourne
+ untainted interpretations
+ vesper's escape
+ violet daze
+ walken around
+ what
+ writings of faith
Yellow Lane
love is like tea with milk [+]
+ 10101
+ a fisherman of the air
+ auroraborealis
+ belligerent bliss
+ carcura
+ erchome
+ full moon obsession
+ grace addict
+ [here is a star-studded sky]
+ hermaphrodites unite
+ introduction
+ jackal
+ just another brain synapse
+ last stop suburbia
+ little light
+ love and forgetting
+ my life in a spoon
+ neel's tips and tidbits
+ nicole 1980+
+ non-ecumenical ramblings
+ pandora's box
+ racing stripes
+ rama the drama
+ reign of the claudzki
+ screams and smiles
+ spicy cauldron
+ starlit whispers
+ stories of bumming around
+ surreal existence
+ technicolored sunset
+ that kid. no that one.
+ the longest journey
+ the shadow of abaniko
+ thought safari
+ tao and zen
+ unsent letters to mary jane
+ welcome the drowning man
+ words
+ you are invited for all time
Milestones
i kissed kafka goodnight [+]
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Tuesday, December 13, 2005
non sequitur: day four

the one where they are all suddenly privy to too much, then too little information

in wonderfully accented proletariatese, he asked me, playfully, what sort of things i did behind closed doors. and i, years away from catholic school, told him, deadpan,

i pleasure myself on my stomach, for starters.

i rode north at 3:47 PM 48 kph
Monday, December 05, 2005
non sequitur: day three

the part where almost everything is a conversation, thus, the quotation marks

"i would consider it if i were completely wasted," i answered to his "i don't just want any baby. i want yours. so can we?"

there is something about the ego of a man that is directly proportional to his partner's seeded belly. i knew one part of him was joking. and that the other part was, well, not.

"i don't know. i have nightmares about it being 25 years old, questioning the meaning of life and writing words that will never get published. i fear running around after it, trying to mend its broken heart, just because it didn't get the book deal."

"that's the worst mistake a parent can make—live through her own child. it's thoroughly disgusting."

"i didn't say i would never get published. i was just exercising my right to imagine."

"i think you'd make a wonderful mother, though. despite what you think."

"i'd make a wonderful mother despite being vain, despotic, egotistical and crazed with creativity? you want a nazi?"

"we're an interracial couple, not conjurers. and may i remind you that my eyes are not blue, and neither are yours."

"why do you even want a child? some selfish desire to self-actualize? is it because you need, heaven forbid, a little version of you and me bawling its head off in soiled nappies to truly understand the meaning of martyrdom? do you need it to grow up and make more babies to populate this already very populated earth? do you require a vessel to carry on your name so this society, infected with some kind of degenerative disease, won't forget that it once existed?"

"that was way too many questions in way too sarcastic a manner—not fair. and i haven't decided. so don't influence my bias."

"that's hysterical."

"can't you just accept that i love you and want to have a baby with you?"

"i love you, too. madly. but there's just not enough cause-effect reasoning there to justify that a baby should be the end result of love."

"it's a simple explanation."

"the curse of being human and being so infinitely complex is that we think the simplest explanation is the right one. and what you said isn't even close to an explanation."

"i'm ignoring that. why do you keep referring to our future child as an it anyway?"

"because it hasn't happened. i refuse to give an idea a gender."

"that's a weird argument."

"i can talk circles around you, so you may as well shush."

"sometimes, i don't even believe you."

"yeah, i think i'm way ahead of my time, too."

since there was no other customer at this particular 7-11, the cashier listened in on our exchange, unabashedly, with the ease of someone who has counted out much too much change in front of thousands of suspicious eyes. she, who must have seen too many canisters of potato chips knocked down, thanked her god that there would be one less terror on two legs to test the undeniable force of gravity in a 24-hour convenience store. she gave me a grave nod as i paid for my mineral water.

"your change."

"thank you."

"no, ma'am. thank you."

there was one in this city that would sleep better tonight. and there was one who would wonder if anybody alive even deserved that measly little pleasure.

and you, you who are here with me today, must know that certainty is an illusion, novocain for those who have stopped doubting a world that continues to crash and clash and fall into itself.

i rode north at 7:12 PM 80 kph
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
non sequitur: day two

in which a reference to von trier's film leads me to, one, call a british boy a git, and two, talk about a lapse in affection

you have this preconceived notion, that nobody—listen—that nobody can't possibly attain the same high ethical standards as you. so you exonerate them. i cannot think of anything more arrogant than that...you forgive others with excuses that you would never in the world permit for yourself.
lars von trier, dogville

i'm in a band, the british boy told any vagina that would listen. possibly maybe a mental jaw dropped.

afterwards, when the initial shock had worn off, he said, no, he did not watch such von trier films. perhaps that statement should have ended something before it had even begun, a blinking neon sign pointing out that no, there was no mistake that he was a mistake. but none of you warned me that bad boys make the best goddamn cocaine.

he was a child, except where it mattered the most, inside the black pants with the leather buckles that went all the way up to his crotch. and he said again, this time to this vagina, that, no, he did not watch such von trier films. only today, it came out as, no, i don't bloody watch that crap. and i said, under my breath, what a git. only to him, it came out as, i love you, i want to have your baby.

some benevolent five-foot, one-inch god in me smiled up at the six-foot, two-inch daemon in him. there was a flicker of recognition, as old as time, and the powers-that-be canceled each other out like an outage, leaving us two to destroy each other in the universally accepted manner.

through a word addiction.

is it any surprise that we ended—1,064 documented conversations later—with me bidding him a sordid goodbye?

possibly maybe if he had watched the von trier film, he would have seen that the girl shoots the boy in the end, the perfect illustration of a conclusion. then maybe he would have taken the necessary precautions, like, for example, refrain from saying things such as, no, i do not watch such von trier films. but none of you warned him that good girls make the best goddamn cocaine.

if there is any real death, it is the random expiration of affection. when the breath of farewell leaves through the eyes and a half-open mouth, we have no choice but to forgive it. it is the arrogant thing to do.

i rode north at 6:04 PM 58 kph
Thursday, November 24, 2005
non sequitur: day one

wherein it unfolds that what seems like fiction isn't fiction at all but a real-life story of the pointless randomness of things

strangely, when i happened by, there was nothing else, not even the sound of bass mekanik. the beautiful machine was not waiting by the front door, as i had hoped, nor was it driving by in silly circles around what was a poor excuse for a rotunda. the face of my frailty fell into place, like a latch on the door that made a faint click. so i dialed a number. it would not be the first time.

i had taken off a party hat to don yet another one. two parties in one night. for a person who had an aversion to certain social proclivities, my situation was a unique one. if it was happy circumstance or an ominous sign of the utter senselessness which was to unfold, i would not know, until the end of my narrative.

ten minutes after placing the call, i rounded the bend. the pebbles on the gravel thumped as if responding to a rhythm from the sewers below the city streets. and there it was, from the source, the sound. the sound of bass mekanik and nothing else.

it was as if that entire moment had centered itself on the realization that things happen just because they do. that though there may seem to be an unseen hand guiding the course of events, there is none. that though life assumes the form and shape of fiction, it is not. randomness is the fruit of a tree that springs up in the most unlikely of places—like on a street corner beside the lamppost or in an abandoned house whose floor just gave way to the soil—just because it can. a tree punching a hole through a roof by way of the ground is no stranger than a man falling in love with the wrong woman.

i could have said that on my way from one party to another, i lost the ride that was supposed to take me from here to there. that i found it again after making a call and rounding the bend. but i didn't. instead, i described the night's events as if reality had left the world. as if the world had left me.

***
i will be the experimental diarist for the time being. bear with me.

i rode north at 6:30 PM 57 kph
Friday, November 11, 2005
eleven : fifteen

you touch your face. fingertips to forehead. you squint into a gently riddled sky like it was in the way.

there it is, the unconscious gesture of someone who has explicitly, unexplicably gone from me. on the board where the specials are written in chalk, the cappuccino misses a P. nobody else in his right mind notices. the white corelle dishes whisper among themselves, audience to our good graces.

we shouldn't have taken a place near the window : it's alright

my conscience tells me that we should leave now if we want to escape (whatever you call) this intact. the runaway tendencies should have kicked in somewhere between the second drink and the fourth forkful, but it seems they've run away, too. so we stay.

you should try this : maybe later

you smile, but it hits the ground and breaks in a ballet of tangents. i would name that smile (to the eyes it doesn't quite reach) the way i've named every other part of you, inch by excruciating inch. i would lay you out in soft, empty spaces and take you against your will, against the wall of my distant affection. i would breathe you in, move inside you so deeply you would never forget. but not right now—you are much too painful for me.

i think it's best we leave our intimacies at the table.

so tell me : but i've nothing to say

how you destroy me. to build me up again. to destroy me. everytime, i am a little less. then a little more. then a little something whose width and breadth and depth i hardly recognize.

later, when we're done jerking unseen boundaries back and forth like teaspoons doing duel, we will walk the walk of the amicable back to the car. like nothing happened. we will go home to our respective beds and lie there pretending. like it didn't matter. the scent of the evening will mark us on the delicate skin of our wrists.

let's ask for the check now : the check, please

nine minutes until closing time. i know because the waiter just flipped the sign. he's always spot on.

outside, escaping moonshine finger-traces the shivering pavement. a hopeful customer with a crooked collar is turned away at the door.

i rode north at 5:41 PM 74 kph
Thursday, November 10, 2005
the suzhou place

i know i am almost 70 kinds of cool because i can change from short shorts to hakama-style pants sitting down.

in a car with untinted windows.
driving down the main thoroughfare.
with my wingman calling me an exhibitionist.

i have an unusual repertoire of talents.

the evening was hot. the casual restaurant had an unspoken dress code, so i had to look more conservative if i wanted to eat. the boy with whom i had interracial relations with wasn't complaining about my attire, to be honest, but we both agreed suzhou cuisine was on the menu, not me.

we were there for the specialty, the shallot pancake. when the server brought ours out, it didn't look like much. it was a thinly rolled cake, eight inches in diameter. i ate each wedge by folding it tightly into rolls with my chopsticks, an occurence that sparked some heated debate over etiquette.

i won. though i don't think he realized that the soothing effect of the jasmine tea plus my expert footsie cost him precious points.

by the end of the evening, neither of us cared very much about anything but the warm, bland goodness of the food in front of us. a great meal and great company stays the hand of cruel, stoic reality for a good two hours and 17 minutes. believe me, the clock was accurate and i was keeping count.

today, i am entirely changed. i am convinced it was the shallots.

she (of the shimmering shoulders, the norwegian discos, the botticelli hair, the heartbreaker words) agrees. we wrote back and forth about it, too. i am only sorry that i didn't get the recipe. obviously, the restaurant owner and i didn't see eye-to-eye on spreading the love. besides, he babbled on and on in fookien. and i don't speak fookien.

a word of wisdom for the unwary. use the ginger dipping sauce, not the soy. if you want to go asian, you may as well do it right. and i don't mean that in a dirty old dude kind of way.

life's a party. i'm here for the food and i'm out to save the world with my little foodie tips. watch out.

i rode north at 8:57 PM 71 kph
Monday, November 07, 2005
seven last words

i feel everything you're afraid to feel.

i rode north at 1:43 PM 77 kph
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to norway on a bicycle

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i kissed kafka goodnight [+]
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Tuesday, January 24, 2006
the tao of less

let's say you have a house, a car, a fat tabby, a swell-paying nine-to-five, an unbelievably erotic consumerist relationship with PRADA, cable TV, a washboard stomach, an original play in three acts, an espresso machine, a microwaveable lunch from 7-fucking-11. and yet you feel empty. are inclined to feel preachy. you look down the toilet with its annoyingly efficient bidet and you flush half your idealism away. and you say, how about i go back to basics because

less is more.
less is healthy.
less is beautiful.
less will make me thin.
less will make me a better person.

fuck less.

less is a lie your churchgoing mother told you. or if you knew my mother, you would have probably heard it from her.

less is not basic. less is that dilapidated couch with stains of whatever spotting it in places. less is the girl you never bedded, the five-course meal at that ritzy place you never got to eat, the motherfucker you never flipped off at the bar around the corner, the porn you never got to wank off to, the imaginary friend you chose over the love of your goddamn life. spit, rinse, repeat. less is beyond obsolete.

on the other hand, less is the last great melancholy. and the only two good things about that is that it makes catholics guiltier than usual and poetry much more romantic. got a sob story? me, too. let's swap over coffee. then maybe we could, you know, do that thing where people beat around the bush before jumping into bed and end up sobbing a third person's name. how many times did you come? how the fuck should i know? do you see a scoreboard anywhere on me? do you hear me shouting GOAL! every time the proverbial ball sailed through the net?

i'm probably having this pointless conversation with myself at 8:13 in the morning to distract myself from the pain of having to go in for work for the 20th day this year. but if, for a split second, i really wondered why i was having this pointless conversation with myself, i would have realized that provided that i didn't have a house, a car, a fat tabby, a swell-paying nine-to-five, an unbelievably erotic consumerist relationship with PRADA, cable TV, a washboard stomach, an original play in three acts, an espresso machine, a microwaveable lunch from 7-fucking-11, the last thing i would want was

less.

i've three mobile phones, though. and in some places, that would be considered deliberate, gaudy excess with a tinge of unimaginable jackassery.

jesus. i'm feeling much better already.

i rode north at 8:30 AM 28 kph
Friday, January 13, 2006
an intervening space

we've nothing but a few hours from here
.
.
.
.....................................................................to there
.
.
.
the breath of which exhales one-sided expectation while a jackson pollock sunset watches. it's a rip-off, i agree, but let's make do. we've not done this in a while, and i've a love that needs tousling.

let's go to where we imagine the stars would shine the brightest. where we would attract the attention of several lanes of traffic if you took my hands in your hands and put them where you wanted my memory to be.

or, or, or

let's happen right now.

should i straddle you like this and let my hair cover your face like this, wrap my weakness around you like this and grip you tightly by the waist like this? should you put your trembling lips to my throat like this to whisper my name in some odd, groaning fashion like this, suck the heat from off my skin and let it cling to your mouth sweetly like this? i've yet to take leave of this body and misplace my soul through my hips and eyes, my cries and clenched fingers.

and in the seconds that command us, you ask as if the question just occured to you, how can a little girl like you have so much? and i laugh and say that my body was made too small to contain the normal amount.

no, not too small, not too small, just right for the taking, let me arrange you on this bed again, before the city goes under, and i'm leaving on a jet plane, i don't know when i'll be back again.

we move as a patchwork night watches us, hand over mouth, through an open window. i sleep, afterwards, naked and oblivious, as if you would always be there to ward off a cruel world and then wake me up for breakfast.

i rode north at 5:41 PM 70 kph
Monday, January 09, 2006
sojournoir

debut
and she emerged right behind another's shadow

i rode north at 10:09 AM 90 kph
Monday, January 02, 2006
non sequitur: day five

where the end was a long time coming but it comes anyway

the window is big enough. there's a ledge, too, which i believe, has had too many dalliances with the designated jumpers of our time. today, the ghost of a recently concluded memory sits there and i am coaxing him to come back in. he is beautiful. too beautiful. and i am not suspicious enough.

i'm reaching out to him. "come back in, ghost of a recently concluded memory. it's cold out." he is as hazy as a once-upon-a-time sea. and i am the rock he once threw himself against over and over until he was bruised with fragile obsession.

he looks at my hand. then into my eyes. "if i come back in, will you lead me to that bed and take me?" his voice catches. it has the tone of desperation. i invented that tone. it's mine.

no is a two-letter interjection used to indicate a negative response. what part of no is so difficult to understand? it escapes me. but not him.

he hangs his head. one of his buttons is in the wrong buttonhole. to love is to fall victim to folly.

"if you can't take me back, let me go." hot damn. the ghost of a recently concluded memory had a way with words that i would never have.

suddenly, like that august season, he fell gently, along with a whim of wind. whim sounds like an old forty-five playing on a bad phonograph.

i can't help but look over the edge. i see him on the ground, lying in pieces of forgotten warmth and unfulfilled desire. a young girl on a bicycle stops and starts to pick them up, one by one. everyday, all over the world, resolutions are broken. it's tradition, you see. it's tradition to fall victim to folly.

i could have just pushed him, i know. but brave deeds require much, much more of me.

the sky outside reflects who i am at the moment—partly cloudy, or overcast, with a hint of rain. at exactly two o' clock, the world will close in on me. and the end that was almost definitely the end will be a beginning.

the bed invites with a poker face to come play. i shed some skin and pull the sheets all the way to my soul. it will be touch and go for while.

i rode north at 2:02 PM 78 kph
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
non sequitur: day four

the one where they are all suddenly privy to too much, then too little information

in wonderfully accented proletariatese, he asked me, playfully, what sort of things i did behind closed doors. and i, years away from catholic school, told him, deadpan,

i pleasure myself on my stomach, for starters.

i rode north at 3:47 PM 103 kph
Monday, December 05, 2005
non sequitur: day three

the part where almost everything is a conversation, thus, the quotation marks

"i would consider it if i were completely wasted," i answered to his "i don't just want any baby. i want yours. so can we?"

there is something about the ego of a man that is directly proportional to his partner's seeded belly. i knew one part of him was joking. and that the other part was, well, not.

"i don't know. i have nightmares about it being 25 years old, questioning the meaning of life and writing words that will never get published. i fear running around after it, trying to mend its broken heart, just because it didn't get the book deal."

"that's the worst mistake a parent can make—live through her own child. it's thoroughly disgusting."

"i didn't say i would never get published. i was just exercising my right to imagine."

"i think you'd make a wonderful mother, though. despite what you think."

"i'd make a wonderful mother despite being vain, despotic, egotistical and crazed with creativity? you want a nazi?"

"we're an interracial couple, not conjurers. and may i remind you that my eyes are not blue, and neither are yours."

"why do you even want a child? some selfish desire to self-actualize? is it because you need, heaven forbid, a little version of you and me bawling its head off in soiled nappies to truly understand the meaning of martyrdom? do you need it to grow up and make more babies to populate this already very populated earth? do you require a vessel to carry on your name so this society, infected with some kind of degenerative disease, won't forget that it once existed?"

"that was way too many questions in way too sarcastic a manner—not fair. and i haven't decided. so don't influence my bias."

"that's hysterical."

"can't you just accept that i love you and want to have a baby with you?"

"i love you, too. madly. but there's just not enough cause-effect reasoning there to justify that a baby should be the end result of love."

"it's a simple explanation."

"the curse of being human and being so infinitely complex is that we think the simplest explanation is the right one. and what you said isn't even close to an explanation."

"i'm ignoring that. why do you keep referring to our future child as an it anyway?"

"because it hasn't happened. i refuse to give an idea a gender."

"that's a weird argument."

"i can talk circles around you, so you may as well shush."

"sometimes, i don't even believe you."

"yeah, i think i'm way ahead of my time, too."

since there was no other customer at this particular 7-11, the cashier listened in on our exchange, unabashedly, with the ease of someone who has counted out much too much change in front of thousands of suspicious eyes. she, who must have seen too many canisters of potato chips knocked down, thanked her god that there would be one less terror on two legs to test the undeniable force of gravity in a 24-hour convenience store. she gave me a grave nod as i paid for my mineral water.

"your change."

"thank you."

"no, ma'am. thank you."

there was one in this city that would sleep better tonight. and there was one who would wonder if anybody alive even deserved that measly little pleasure.

and you, you who are here with me today, must know that certainty is an illusion, novocain for those who have stopped doubting a world that continues to crash and clash and fall into itself.

i rode north at 7:12 PM 84 kph
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
non sequitur: day two

in which a reference to von trier's film leads me to, one, call a british boy a git, and two, talk about a lapse in affection

you have this preconceived notion, that nobody—listen—that nobody can't possibly attain the same high ethical standards as you. so you exonerate them. i cannot think of anything more arrogant than that...you forgive others with excuses that you would never in the world permit for yourself.
lars von trier, dogville

i'm in a band, the british boy told any vagina that would listen. possibly maybe a mental jaw dropped.

afterwards, when the initial shock had worn off, he said, no, he did not watch such von trier films. perhaps that statement should have ended something before it had even begun, a blinking neon sign pointing out that no, there was no mistake that he was a mistake. but none of you warned me that bad boys make the best goddamn cocaine.

he was a child, except where it mattered the most, inside the black pants with the leather buckles that went all the way up to his crotch. and he said again, this time to this vagina, that, no, he did not watch such von trier films. only today, it came out as, no, i don't bloody watch that crap. and i said, under my breath, what a git. only to him, it came out as, i love you, i want to have your baby.

some benevolent five-foot, one-inch god in me smiled up at the six-foot, two-inch daemon in him. there was a flicker of recognition, as old as time, and the powers-that-be canceled each other out like an outage, leaving us two to destroy each other in the universally accepted manner.

through a word addiction.

is it any surprise that we ended—1,064 documented conversations later—with me bidding him a sordid goodbye?

possibly maybe if he had watched the von trier film, he would have seen that the girl shoots the boy in the end, the perfect illustration of a conclusion. then maybe he would have taken the necessary precautions, like, for example, refrain from saying things such as, no, i do not watch such von trier films. but none of you warned him that good girls make the best goddamn cocaine.

if there is any real death, it is the random expiration of affection. when the breath of farewell leaves through the eyes and a half-open mouth, we have no choice but to forgive it. it is the arrogant thing to do.

i rode north at 6:04 PM 58 kph