Sunday, January 23, 2005
the constructs of mating

i wasn't some doxy from the wharves. but when i woke up cold, naked under the sheets, with the thermostat on too low and an empty, mocking space beside me, female indignation kicked in. why in hell would he leave when we were having so much fun? okay, so i was dead to the world and maybe not that much fun at all, but i would have appreciated a warning.

i bolted upright and tried to get out of bed, fumbling as my legs got caught in a tangle of every imaginable fabric—cotton, chiffon, silk, denim, lace, more cotton. i was ready to leave no stone unturned if that was what it took for me to get my hands on his little escapist self.

and then i saw him.

his back was to the window at the end of the room. his posture was relaxed, his face free from the ravages of worry, his head encircled with a shimmering halo of sunlight, his hand holding his...

HARVARD BUSINESS REVIEW.

i suppose he was indulging in some twisted sort of intellectual masturbation. but still, he had left my side for a book. on any other day, i would have been oddly touched, since he's not (and i am) one of those people who'd take a book with them on the proverbial deserted island. but the fact that he had jumped ship to get it on with some drab, disconsolate, university-fellating doodad instead of, say, machiavelli or achebe made me sting a little. just a little.

by then, my mind was reeling from a hundred episodes of retribution. and i was so ready to launch a full-scale, vindication-driven assault in response to the little stunt he pulled. but before i could pursue the first stage of my brilliant attack plan, he looked up, smiled and said, "hello, love." and then i melted.

so today, i know that i am in way over my head. i was testy and hormonal, yet i still dissolved into a puddle of need after waking up to find him reading HARVARD BUSINESS REVIEW instead of keeping me toasty.

i also know that i will let this incident slide. but i am not enough of a ninnyhammer to let him go on thinking that i am too forgiving. in the future, i will make sure i go to wharton just to annoy him.

but for now, i'll get back to bed and give him that urgent look. the one that says: hello. boy. me. naked. cold. come. here. now.

i rode north at 9:51 PM
36 kph
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Sunday, July 10, 2005
black sabbath

i find that the world waits for no one. i've only had time to take a breath, and there it is, turning the corners like there are no stop signs, riding away from me again. but it was a sunday. i had the license to park my ass and get some coffee first before i went pedaling gung-ho after it.

it was oddly quiet in the little australian café. he with his book, me and my espresso, the few others with anomalous versions of caffeine. behind the little everyday tragedies and the larger ones that bring disjointed pieces of life together, i was just glad to enjoy 1:31 pm and the pre-approved silence prevalent in any siesta-afflicted country.

the espresso felt good going down. and like a fluke, it had the effect of liquor, breaking down my defenses and making certain body parts more limber than usual. this wasn't me more aware. this was me at the height of comfort. signature coffee-shop couch. face hidden in male shoulder. arm thrown over the back of the seat. bare leg tucked neatly under short skirt.

as a decent, law-abiding citizen, i would have pondered the ramifications of my vague botticelli montage. but i couldn't. i was under the influence of some fluke espresso, remember? besides, when i closed my eyes and opened them again, it was 3 pm. i had fallen asleep. the lion had sunned in public. how barely legal. how utterly, horridly gauche.

and as i struggled to contain my growing embarrassment, he, the owner of the male shoulder, patted me on the head and promised (unprintable) things when we got home. all because of the pretzel pose i had pulled off. but i'm not complaining, of course. i may not pray, but i do count my blessings.

and i leave love to those who know.

| o^o |113 kph |
113 Comments

posted by transience at 11:57 PM on Jul 10, 2005
New comments have been disabled for this post by a blog administrator.
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Sunday, January 23, 2005
the constructs of mating

i wasn't some doxy from the wharves. but when i woke up cold, naked under the sheets, with the thermostat on too low and an empty, mocking space beside me, female indignation kicked in. why in hell would he leave when we were having so much fun? okay, so i was dead to the world and maybe not that much fun at all, but i would have appreciated a warning.

i bolted upright and tried to get out of bed, fumbling as my legs got caught in a tangle of every imaginable fabric—cotton, chiffon, silk, denim, lace, more cotton. i was ready to leave no stone unturned if that was what it took for me to get my hands on his little escapist self.

and then i saw him.

his back was to the window at the end of the room. his posture was relaxed, his face free from the ravages of worry, his head encircled with a shimmering halo of sunlight, his hand holding his...

HARVARD BUSINESS REVIEW.

i suppose he was indulging in some twisted sort of intellectual masturbation. but still, he had left my side for a book. on any other day, i would have been oddly touched, since he's not (and i am) one of those people who'd take a book with them on the proverbial deserted island. but the fact that he had jumped ship to get it on with some drab, disconsolate, university-fellating doodad instead of, say, machiavelli or achebe made me sting a little. just a little.

by then, my mind was reeling from a hundred episodes of retribution. and i was so ready to launch a full-scale, vindication-driven assault in response to the little stunt he pulled. but before i could pursue the first stage of my brilliant attack plan, he looked up, smiled and said, "hello, love." and then i melted.

so today, i know that i am in way over my head. i was testy and hormonal, yet i still dissolved into a puddle of need after waking up to find him reading HARVARD BUSINESS REVIEW instead of keeping me toasty.

i also know that i will let this incident slide. but i am not enough of a ninnyhammer to let him go on thinking that i am too forgiving. in the future, i will make sure i go to wharton just to annoy him.

but for now, i'll get back to bed and give him that urgent look. the one that says: hello. boy. me. naked. cold. come. here. now.

i rode north at 9:51 PM
36 kph

rolly pedaled up to say...

Once again, I am tagging (got the right word this time) along and am enjoying the ride very much.

I'm sure by this time, you already know that you spoke too soon. He was reading because he didn't want to wake you up, out of respect for your peaceful sleep. To appease his libido, (who wouldn't be turned on with a naked body beside him?) he had to read and keep his mind off that until such time as when you're ready.

That was some look you gave. I can't passon a message like that. That is if I was sensitive enough to read the message. Sometimes, guys have to be told, you see.
3:55 AM
Blex pedaled up to say...

I leave the bed only to prepare breakfast.
4:40 AM
ennui pedaled up to say...

Gosh transience it just crossed my mind how much different our friendship would've been had there been blogs back in college. I'm gettin a headache just trying to imagine.
4:47 AM
Jay pedaled up to say...

I'm glad to hear it made you melt, because it made me melt, and I'm all the way over here!!
I hope the look rewarded you!!
9:41 AM
JErm pedaled up to say...

i'd get myself a dog, guys can be morons sometimes. if i were him, i'd lie there and watch you sleep. it's like being in heaven, only heaven can't be as real! ;)

you remind me so much of an ex-girlfriend. i was the moron back then leaving her in bed. cold. while i checked my mail and chat with my clients online.

fuckers we are!
2:16 PM
Stan pedaled up to say...

It would be nice to believe in Rolly's description.
3:24 PM
wala pedaled up to say...

i would assume he immediately dropped the paper and in one mighty leap landed right next to you, immediately enveloping you in is warm embrace, legs intertwining with yours, etc etc etc.
forgive me, i am jealous.
3:50 PM
transience pedaled up to say...

rolly >> hmm. that's an interesting account from the male point of view, heh. as for the look, there are only two that i send out with amazing clarity: my come-hitherlook and my back-off-i-could-kill-you look. i already know which one you'd choose.

blex >> sometimes, i can go without breakfast. if only to stay a few extra minutes under the covers.

ennui >> if there had been blogs back in college, i would have changed your mind. and don't ask me about what.

jay >> oh, the look definitely rewarded me. and boy, do you need melting. all that snow in canada, if you know what i mean.

JErm >> hush. you already know what i feel about this.

stan >> i agree.

monsterspank >> you say that now. you haven't seen my back-off-i-could-kill-you look. =)
3:59 PM
claudzki pedaled up to say...

LOVE this post!!!

would love to see a post on your "full-scale, vindication-driven assault" :D
4:08 PM
ennui pedaled up to say...

Oh but you had ...
4:55 PM
rain pedaled up to say...

hello, lovethose two words are traitors to any strategic attack for vindicating one's self. but i'd hafta say that might actually be a fortunate thing. :)

ps-the trans-ennui exchange has gotten me highly intrigued... *evil grin*
5:04 PM
fish fish pedaled up to say...

Kekeke... interesting.
5:24 PM
JErm pedaled up to say...

*shuts mouth*
6:48 PM
ninjato pedaled up to say...

Would it be wrong to say that I am slightly amused by this? (although I would also be probably be burning in hell by now, for making it this far, but that's besides the point isn't it?)

By the way Rain, intrigued is not the word I would use lol
3:55 AM
mussolini pedaled up to say...

transience and ennui > three years after college and i still am your biggest fan :) i believe in the open-endedness of all things that involve the both of you.
8:30 AM
ennui pedaled up to say...

mussolini - Bless you child for your faith ;P
8:45 AM
mussolini pedaled up to say...

ennui > harharhar. those roman catholic gods have blessed me for so much less. :)
9:00 AM
Kathleen pedaled up to say...

and then i melted.some people have a way with that don't they...
9:06 AM
transience pedaled up to say...

claudzki >> thanks! i shall try to post about one of my "episodes." but i have to get rid of the fuzzy feeling first.

ennui >> really? i doubt it.

rain >> ennui and i are, erm, complicated. trust me on that. as for your last post, i found it hilarious that you, ennui and blex would gang up on me. on the topic of being god even. evil children of the corn. +D

final note: i'm so glad you're alright.

fish fish >> interesting name. thanks for dropping a line.

JErm >> good boy.

ninjato >> ooh, but you would be amused (burn in hell, burn in hell!). i'm sort of embarrassed now that you've acknowledged what i've written on here, but then i firmly believe that i should have no regrets. as for "intrigued," well, you would know the story, wouldn't you. god, you are so bad. haha!

mussolini >> shuddupuckup. your word.

ennui >> there you go again.

mussolini again >> not if givenchy and hermes had anything to say about it.

kathleen >> that they do. oh, yes. and i'm sure you know what i'm talking about.

to everyone else who knows what i am talking about >> i'm coining a new word: transennui.

tran·sen·nui, n the state of being that inspires intrigue despite the lack of any clandestine elements. ha.
9:29 AM
small squirrel pedaled up to say...

(out of breath...heaving)
I'm late....

OK so I am clearly missing a bunch of stuff :)

But let me say this... my ex used to leave me alone in a cold bed... not for anything as heady as the harvard business review. oh no. my ass was left to ponder the whys cause he was off watching... MOTOR WEEK!

And though I love him, he wouldn't know Achebe from Machiavelli! Count your blessings, my girl! Hee!((Awwwwwwwww.... :) ))
9:48 AM
rain pedaled up to say...

ninjato - okay, so what's a better word? how about discombobulating? :p

trans - can't help it. i'm a curious cat. transennui is a good word. very apt definition as well. (oh, and thanks for the concern, sweetie.)
2:05 PM
transience pedaled up to say...

squirrel >> no worries. you're on time. it's just funny how comments can go off tangent, you know. and yes, i am counting my blessings. though i understand the male preoccupation with cars. the other day, after some, erm, action, we watched in contentment the shelby cobra special on discovery channel. that was great. but i don't dig the sports shows. no, i could never get that.

rain >> curious, curious. and no, my friends should never get sick.
2:26 PM
CAROLVS pedaled up to say...

I always say when I'm getting out of bed. I think it's personal courtesy, even if to just nudge my partner lightly from slumber.
2:42 PM
transience pedaled up to say...

that's very conscientious, carolvs. i like that. =)
3:27 PM
wala pedaled up to say...

i'd say transpank... and here I thought you were discussing the constructs of mating ...
5:00 PM
transience pedaled up to say...

well, don't get your knickers in a twist, spank. the last time i checked, we weren't mating. =)
5:21 PM
wala pedaled up to say...

would you have wanted to ... get my knickers in a twist? =)
5:46 PM
transience pedaled up to say...

what a question. what do you think?
5:56 PM
wala pedaled up to say...

gorgeous
7:14 PM
ninjato pedaled up to say...

transennui - Oy...we should have coffee again soon...'nuff said =)

Rain - don't get me wrong, it's not your use of word that I am against =), I'm just saying that's not the word I would use to describe that particular pandora's box
9:25 PM
jason pedaled up to say...

oh, lighten up. a man's got to always stay on top of the best ways to defraud foreign governments.
11:42 PM
ninjato pedaled up to say...

okay...will try to keep my mouth shut then. *mmpf*


6:38 AM
transience pedaled up to say...

. >> thanks very much.

ninjato >> mmm. coffee. yes.

jason >> hehe, that was funny. but a girl's got to always stay on top of men staying on top of the best ways to defraud foreign governments. it is, after all, how politics is made.

ninjato >> sweetie, we let the proverbial cat out of the bag already. so you don't need to gag yourself. =)
8:21 AM
small squirrel pedaled up to say...

I'm confused... my mommy always said the stork brought politics ;)
11:08 AM
nicole pedaled up to say...

transience, I agree with you that if it was Achebe or Gabriel Garcia Marquez it might have been a different reaction altogether!!

beautiful reading, as always.
12:33 PM
transience pedaled up to say...

squirrel >> i was always overly suspicious of the stork theory.

nicole >> gabo! i love him. and thanks for the kind words.
1:22 PM

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iron maiden: day 2
transience

my closest closest friend said, "if you say you'll miss me if i don't go, then yes, i'd like to join you."

i had already made plans to meet with her, our dragonfly friend. but i tell him, "yes, i want you to be there. i need you to be there." it's funny how with people you've known most of your life, three is always a company and never a crowd.

the train ride to the café is harrowing. there is an air of desolation in the cab, so thick and soft you could cut through it with a butter knife. there is a mother holding her baby, wondering where her next paycheck will come from. there is a beautiful woman holding hands with a not-so-beautiful man who will never marry her. there is a coed reading an old letter tucked into her calculus book. there is a middle-aged businessman, eyeing the coed and looking down her blouse.

then there are the both of us, wondering when the train ride will end. we sit and stare at each other. this is the way we talk about things sometimes. i can read his silence the way he reads my smile. on some days, it drives our other friends mad, since they can hardly join in on our mute conversation.

the train rocks awkwardly as if swaying to an old disco record it alone can hear. right now, our eyes have stopped talking about the train ride. we are now talking about how that damn cup of cappuccino should be worth all this.

in minutes that seem like hours, it is time to get off. we heave a sigh of relief. he comments gently on how hot is. i swear like a sailor. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

our dragonfly friend is not yet there when we arrive. and so we meander. we look around, point at some ridiculously dressed habitués and laugh.

when he finally looks at me, the tilt of his head is prophetic. i know what he is thinking. i smile at him. he knows what i am thinking. we are not just friends. we are eight years of walking down a road that has always had two separate destinations. that is alright now. he's had his loves and i've had mine. there will be no intersection there.

"hey, guys! sorry i'm late."
"ah. she arrives."
"have you two been waiting long?"
"nah. we could both wait forever and we still wouldn't be bored."

she smiles knowingly at my statement.

later that night, the coffee tastes too good. he tells us how work is distracting him, thankfully, from thinking of the person he wants to think of. i tell them my eyes are getting bad and that i am going to the beach soon. she says she is in love in a way she has never been in love before. we tell each other we will all grow old together.

then there is a beep. it is her mobile. when she turns away from us to answer it, he and i look at each other. we conspire on another of our silent exchanges.

i am glad you're here.
so am i.
are you okay?
yes. but i could be better.
i'll have another cigarette, okay?
help yourself.
i'm glad we're in a better place now.
i'm glad we started over.

there are some lessons etched too deeply into our hearts that we can hardly teach ourselves to unlearn them. there are some things left unsaid that we know we should have just said when the other was still there (at the right place and at the right time) to hear them. he and i know these. we had been through hell and back together. and we are still walking down a road that has always had two separate destinations. there will be no intersection there.

weep not for the memories, somebody told us once. we're not. we still have our memories. but more importantly, we still have each other.

i rode north at 8:08 PM

>>> blogstalker deleted comments page

A Request Granted

3:20am

i email a select group of authors before publishing any of my collection on site. these are very creative people and most of them became transience's friend, one or two her lover. one of them asked me this favor of deleting the comments page because of the following reasons:

a blogger with too many names but eventually revealed itself because of his intimation with trans is in every post's comments page and is a friend.

comments entered into by this blogger are mostly flirtatious and seductive at first.

a different story evolved because of his postings. photographs, conversations, prose and poetry dedicated to this affair was shared in bloguniverse. there ensued even a beautiful collaboration (which i collected, of course).

to some it was a beautiful internetlove story, to others too graphic, scandalous and even perverse not to be shared. it was all together beatiful for me when this author asked me not to.

the blogger is really head over heals in love with trans and felt remorse that both had to put an end to their respective blogs.

besides, it's true that the comments page occupies too much space!
i was allowed though, to use the pictures he actually sent my_transience.

but most importantly... i promised.

*the following collection's comments page will be shared through email instead.