Monday, December 20, 2004
the big O
do you want me to masturbate you?
my fingers tightened on the book i was reading. i went over the sentence again, trying to see meaning beyond the words.
do you want me to masturbate you?
i looked out of the place at the mall. while everyone was frantic with their christmas shopping, i was sitting on one of the uncomfortable blue benches reserved for the elderly who were too tired to enter any more glaringly lit shops and the habitués who just enjoyed the free airconditioning.
some of the people who passed by looked at me with contempt. who was this girl sitting on a mall bench reading a book without a care in the world? why was she not worrying herself blue in the face with the season's share of expectant gift recipients? why was she not jostling with the fanatical consumerist crowd, sharing in the christmas spirit? why was she dressed in a delicate white tank top, cropped cargos and dainty flip-flops more suited for bora bora than the mall's very own shopping hell? so many questions, so little time.
if anybody had cared to notice the little things, they would have seen the discreet paper bag of packages at my side. they would have seen that i was exhausted, that i was keeping myself alive by reading someone else's words because i could not write my own—at least not in that place. they would have seen the air of someone who was in the world, but not of it. they would have seen that i was craving for ravioli. they would have seen that i was thinking of someone dear to me who was very far away. so many details, so little time.
three different men had tried to strike some sort of conversation with me. i switched to profiler mode almost immediately: single males, early 20s, had not read any of keats' poems, probably had gone on a few dates this month but were looking for something in a delicate white tank top.
i looked down at myself. uh-oh. i was waaaaay too easy a target.
i was pretty sure i wasn't giving off the come-hither vibes. and nobody would be drawn to my literary tastes at the moment, considering that the very title of my book reeked of insanity and suicide. so that left two explanations, really. one, my choice of attire. and two, christmas itself. but for the purposes of virtue, i chose the latter.
what was it about christmas that emboldened the spirit? or was desperation the order of the day? maybe the holidays made you more open, made you want to give of yourself, made you want to share with the world the warmth of your love.
but i didn't want love, not right now. i wanted to read the sentence in my book out loud so i could hear it and it would make sense in context with the plot.
i wanted to say out loud, do you want me to masturbate you? but i was afraid that i would have to deal with a mob who would stone me for my insolence and a second mob who would be all too willing to take me up on my offer.
life is but a series of masturbation sessions. and the extrinsic world, a hedonistic playground. we buy ephemera to tickle our sense of material gain. we read books to stimulate our intellect. we talk about st. anselm's ontology and atheism to caress our need for purpose.
we preoccupy ourselves with things and people that touch us, stroke those parts of us that are aching for pleasure and fulfillment. existentialist masturbation is both the boon and bane of the 21st century, i think. either that, or this book is actually simpler than it reads.
well, whatever the case, bah humbug anyway.
i rode north at 1:41 PM
27 kph
Anonymous pedaled up to say...
do you want me to masturbate you?
1:15 PM
transience pedaled up to say...
hmmm. how convenient monsterspank. i write a killer opening line and you throw it back to me as a comment.
1:24 PM
ennui pedaled up to say...
it must be christmas transience. it has to be.
1:38 PM
transience pedaled up to say...
he speaks.
1:45 PM
mussolini pedaled up to say...
it's because you look like salma hayek.
1:51 PM
allister pedaled up to say...
Masturbation + Christmas all in the same post!?! Only you could make this work.
10:33 PM
monsterspank pedaled up to say...
Interesting rejoinder, mastur-debatur that you are. Total avoidance of the question or topic as it be.
12:03 AM
JErm pedaled up to say...
damn i was lucky to have met you online.. i would've been blown off by that chick in the delicate white tank top.. ;p
12:13 AM
Jay pedaled up to say...
I know there's some great stuff to see here: masturbating, Christmas...it's almost like overload.
And yet, I'm stuck on the tank top.
Here I am bundled up in 6 layers of wook covered by some synthetic waterproof nylon, and you get to look good in a tank top?
I hate you.
Okay, no I don't, I like to read your stuff.
I'm just jealous.
Bahhumbug.
J
2:47 AM
transience pedaled up to say...
mussolini >> i don't really think that was it...
allister >> haha! it must have been my smooth transitions.
monsterspank >>you're a tease and a coward.
JErm >> i don't believe in luck.
jay >> bwahahahaha! good point. well, you know how it is at the equator. hot. always hot. there's always an excuse to show some skin.
7:51 AM
karma pedaled up to say...
nicely put, trance!
i never get tired of the intellectual jerking off ;))
but hmmm that's an interesting sentence to throw at someone (will let you know how that goes) :))
9:32 AM
pri pedaled up to say...
Great post and great book.
10:03 AM
JErm pedaled up to say...
as long as you still believe in hugs we'll be friends for a long time! :)
11:14 AM
rain pedaled up to say...
hey...i loved that book. i could so relate to it.Ü
11:51 AM
transience pedaled up to say...
karma >> very interesting indeed.
pri >> thanks very much.
JErm >> okay. =)
rain >> yes. "the known cure for vitriol: an awareness of life."
1:11 PM
Calaloola pedaled up to say...
I hate to tarnish the intellectual metaphor you've got going so beautifully there, transience, but the dual concepts of a retail Christmas and, uh, self-gratification instantly reminded me of the sordid sight one poor Borders staffer stumbled upon at our store when she innocently sought to relieve her bladder in the disabled toilets the other day cos the ladies' were full.
And that's just one of a number of terrifying manifestations of warped eventualities I've encountered at work this Christmas... hm. I feel another blog coming on...
1:18 PM
transience pedaled up to say...
hey, calaloola. no need to worry about tarnishing anything. self-gratification comes in many forms. and during the holiday rush? well, it's that time of the year when some "urges" need to be satisfied more urgently than others.
1:37 PM
Chrigela pedaled up to say...
did you get me anything?
1:55 PM
transience pedaled up to say...
what do you fancy, chris?
2:07 PM
ninjato pedaled up to say...
Interesting theory...when it comes down to it, its basically all about self-gratification, even in this supposed season of "selfless" giving...I guess the crass commercialism of the season has made cynics out of most people....
12:13 AM
Toby pedaled up to say...
I'm not quite sure what to say except the image of you sitting in a mall going about your way in the midst of chaotic consumerism juxtaposes calm with the frenzy. Do the shoppers care as much as they disturb your solice? Yet, it is easier to stop a feeding flock than to rouse a rock, so I don't know. The sexual in it all adds to the frenzy.. perhaps speeding the action around you while you remain still adding to the juxtaposition. I like it.
8:45 AM
CAROLVS pedaled up to say...
I could almost picture you with the book in your hand :^) The imagery you conjured up seems made for a television ad :^)
8:51 AM
transience pedaled up to say...
ninjato >> maybe i seemed crass myself, a body at rest in a world of perpetual motion. it seems homeostasis has been banned this christmas.
toby >> interesting perspective. thanks.
carolvs >> heh, i'm wondering what kind of ad this would be.
9:59 AM
monsterspank pedaled up to say...
You are amazingly clever.
Quietly... reluctantly scandalous.
I like you. I want you.
1:12 PM
transience pedaled up to say...
hi. thanks. and you are amazingly, quietly, reluctantly mysterious. the "secret admirer" vibe is a bit iffy, though. you know what you have to do.
4:09 PM
Lorena pedaled up to say...
I know this is a little late but I was looking at your past posts...what book were you reading? is it Veronika Decides to Die?
3:43 AM
transience pedaled up to say...
yes, it is.
9:10 AM
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