Friday, July 29, 2005
imp of the perverse
standing outside on a windy day in heels and a calf-length skirt (blowing every which way but up) will get you everything. including a taxi with electric blue upholstery and a chatty cabbie.

did i mention i hate electric blue upholstery and chatty cabbies? no? well, i hate electric blue upholstery and chatty cabbies.

i've always believed that taxi cab upholstery should be elegant. pristine. understated. not that it ever happens in the real world, but let the pinstripe-mafia girl dream. anyway, if it can't be elegant, let it at least be pristine. and if it can't be pristine, let it at least be understated. i am quite skilled at haggling. but please, no migraine-inducing leopard prints. and absolutely no electric blue.

and don't get me started on the cabbie. all i want is a respectful driver who knows the difference between north and south, left and right, 25th and 26th street. someone who will mind his own business and who will not keep looking over his shoulder to tell me how nice i look. if that can't be the case, a gagged man in blinders who can drive a stick shift will be sufficient, thanks for asking. and keep your eyes on the road, you twit!

but the powers-that-be giveth and taketh away and giveth.

so i get the providential electric blue upholstery and chatty cabbie.

"you're pretty," he says as i slide into the backseat. oh, no. the moment he opens his mouth, i know there will be trouble. a cabbie who greets me a good afternoon is trouble. and when he comments on other things besides the time of day, there is trouble with a capital T.

i want to get out of his hideous ride. but too late. it had started to rain. no umbrella. no waiting shed. no waaaay would i get my feet wet. so i swallow my pride (it gets stuck in my throat a bit) and stay put.

"so where to?" i tell him, curtly.

"why didn't your man pick you up? big fight?" no.

"girls like you shouldn't be left standing outside and waiting." yeah, we should be left hanging inside and dangling.

"oh, so you're funny, too." polite haha.

"you're 24, aren't you?" you should quit your day job and do necromancy or something.

"are you famous?" there's that question again. next, please.

"well, i like driving cabs and talking to passengers, actually. and damn, you're pretty." and i get out a sheaf of papers from my bag and pretend to read. i furrow my brow and squint my eyes. i hold the documents over my nose so he can't get a glimpse of my face or compel me with his little plebeian brain to make eye contact.

twenty minutes into the ride and i am hardly blessed with a single second of silence. the cabbie, incensed with my lack of enthusiasm for his clever conversation, proceeds to sing to every horrible song on the radio.

so the powers-that-be giveth and taketh away and giveth. then they laugheth.

and i still don't get the goddamn joke.

| o^o |53 kph | 53 Comments
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Jax said...

been a while since I got my name at the top of these little fan club attendance lists.

perhaps you should consider some sort of self-reliant form of transport, if you are so averse to the available alternatives. Oh, and I hope you have a terrible terrible dream where everyone calls you ugly, just so you'll stop complaining about being so good-looking. ;)

5:03 PM
transience said...

YOU! off my island!

5:47 PM
transience said...

three things, incidentally:
1) i have considered self-reliant transport, as you call it. but it's not as much a priority as having a badass pad of my own. and besides, if i get a car, i have to get a driver, too. i'm not the driving-roll-down-the-window-with-your-hand-out-and-feel-the-wind-blowing-through-your-hair type of girl. and i'm not apologizing for that.

2) please don't hate me because i'm beautiful. LOL! and besides, i wasn't complaining about looking nice, i was ranting because of the electric blue upholstery and the chatty cabbie.

3) i guess there are only two.

6:03 PM
BlackOps said...

The prose here is always good.

6:31 PM
grumblefish said...

Actually, standing on the curb on a windy day (or, for that matter, any day barring
Halloween) in a calf-length skirt and heels
will only get me a limited number of places,
sadly, and even then, I generally need a parade permit or the like. There ain't no justice.

7:35 PM
telepathic carpet said...

roll out the red carpet in your mind and hop on that fluffy cloud over there... it has been given commands to take you anywhere. calf-length skirts preferred but it is not required.

7:46 PM
Kunstemæcker said...

You're so wrong, chatty cabbies rock. They crack me up. At least, the cabbies in Barcelona did.

7:48 PM
justrose said...

bad upholstery is the "how nature says things should be avoided" striping of the cab world. may the next one be pristine, understated, professional and quiet.

9:21 PM
Carrie said...

I've had similar run ins and when you aren't feeling well to boot, that's the worst ever.

Don't apologise for being beautiful or smart, or all that you are...this is true....but I get the "stop staring at me in the rearview mirror"....such pervs.

will they ever learn?? btw....pristine is DEFINITELY the way to go with cabs. cheers. ;)

11:08 PM
bullish1974 said...

i love cabbies' good morning towels.

11:29 PM
Lorena said...

life has a sense of humor. when we don't feel like chatting someone unfortunately always does!!
and that was a long cab ride and he was singing!! i could picture it all :) lol.

next time bring an umbrella so you have more choices :)
so you look famous?

1:35 AM
Fist said...

"Are you famous?"

Correct answer:

"Especially in Iceland."

1:59 AM
finnegan said...

First of all I've gotta comment on Jax's avatar. The photo is mighty impressive---looks like one of those classic William Claxton pix from the 50's. You don't play jazz by chance, do you?

That was actually a diversion from having to "pedal up!" Trans, since you've covered the gammut of taxi travails, I may as well comment on your "three things" here:

1. The badass pad of your own is priority number one cubed. And the would-be Jeeves might be most effective with a full set of voice-activated windows.

2. I don't because I haven't got a clue as to what you look like. If you're anything nearly as impressive as your writing, I'd probably act like that cabbie. No apologies.

3. Good enough for me.

2:07 AM
Pink Lemonade Diva said...

"Necromancy"! that one made me pull out the dictionary. No wonder I love stopping by.

3:32 AM
Roger Stevens said...

Maybe you should have cycled. Everything goes in a cycle.

Maybe you should have chatted to the cabbie. Made him feel good. Maybe he has a mousy wife.

Maybe you should have said, Sorry, can't talk. Please don't sing. Turn off the radio. Got important stuff to do.

Perhaps he has a lousy life.

4:25 AM
stella said...

i tend to get cabbbies who like to talk about true love and soulmates and finding the one....usually, i'm like mr. cabbie, we live in new york single city, that's just an urban myth... ;)

haha. kidding, sorta. but, seriously, i do tend to get the fortune-reading love cabbies; there's one who started a dating service by taking photos of passengers and pairing them up. really.

4:40 AM
stella said...

p.s. trans, we are sooo alike!!

I look at cars all the time and always picture a driver with my dream car.

Right now, my fantasy is a Mercedes S500 w/ leather interior, turbocharged engine and full-time driver in Italian suit. ;D

5:01 AM
boudica of suburbia said...

Mmm cab drivers, always great, especially the sleazy ones, can't keep my hands off them!

xxB

7:47 AM
transience said...

blackops >> thanks. strange things happen to me.

grumblefish >> there'll be justice on my island. and that means barring you from wearing anything remotely heel-y or skirt-y. no offense, dear one.

telepathic carpet >> gee, thanks spank. i will and if calf length skirts aren't required, i'll wear my minies! heh!
kunstemaecker >> sadly, i am not in barcelona. and what's that i said again back at your place? oh, yeah. it's better where i live. with exception to the cabbies, i suppose.

justrose >> those are the best well-wishes i've had all day. thank you.

mitzzee >> i know you know because you are lovely and cabbies can't help themselves when they see you either.

bullish1974 >> hell. i remember those.

lorena >> it was godawful singing. heh. and the answer to your question is an embarassing yes. but only here where i am, thank heaven.

fist >> oh, you are brilliant. but the correct answer is: for puking cum?

finnegan >> you should see the other shots. major flair. and my response of threes to your comment of threes are so.

1) i'd rather live in a badass pad than a badass car, that's for sure.

2) aawww.

3) good enough for me, too.

pl diva >> i have a bunch other hifalutin maneuvers up my sleeve. i'm not proud of them, really. they're just plain sleazy.

roger >> perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. i think he sang to that tune, too. not sure. everything sounded the same. horrible. i was thinking of cycling, but then i wasn't dressed for it.

stella >> dating service? hot damn. and your taste in cars is excellent, i must say.

b >> LOL! i wish i had your optimism.

11:42 AM
. : A : . said...

I am exactly where you are,

"well, i hate electric blue upholstery and chatty cabbies."

And both of them together is the worst!

:-)

12:13 PM
grumblefish said...

Damn shame, really. You'll be missing out on a memorable visual experience. What's the ruling on Spandex? How about Neoprene? A dab
of organdy? How about somes guidelines here?

1:12 PM
claudzki said...

plebeian brain...haha..i tell the cabbie where to go in straight, perfect english, and five inutes later, we end up communicating in sign language...

plus, where i live right now, when the cabbie tells me "you're pretty", i just step out of the cab and walk home...

pretty dangerous here :D

3:00 PM
Carrie said...

you're so damn sweet!!! the world is a much better place with people like you in it! ;)

3:12 PM
trine said...

I think you should be proud of being beautiful, i know I keeep banging on about being norewegian, but here you're not really *allowed* to say if you think you're great in any way, and if you *do* compliment yourself in any way, poeple get really funny with you. SO DON"T STOP! I love your attitude and of course i know you speak nothing but the truth....

3:53 PM
bismuth said...

wahahaha! another smitten cabbie in the metro. you raise the bar far too high for the rest of us commuters trans. and jax, hello? third world country here. cars are expensive and with the perpetual increase in petrol cost, us plebes must choose priorities .

4:15 PM
Potted-flower said...

God damn taxi drivers. And they are always racist. and I never hesitate to tell them of my oh-so-foriegn-y family. you should see them shut up. HA!

5:04 PM
gulnaz said...

eeewww @ elextric blue upholstrey and monstrous leopard print!!!
this is worse than the chatty cabby! I have this strange knack for bringing out the 'parent' of the 'elder' in people and then i have to listen to them telling me stuff etc. anyway sweetie, from what i read of you, you sound like a beautiful, fragile dainty kinda girl and well if you are so pretty...people are going to tell you so. :))

5:53 PM
Perfect Virgo said...

I suspect the 'necromancy' reference flew 29 feet above his neanderthal forehead. I think I would have chosen to walk - in the rain.

9:28 PM
Anonymous Poet said...

Have you considered a segway, instead? (www.segway.com)

10:07 PM
ty bluesmith said...

tyistotal

10:23 PM
gusgreeper said...

there is probably no way to say this without sounding arrogant..but i am SO SICK of being hit and by cab drivers it is CREEPY....i am NOT polite to them when they being jerks. and don't talk to me either even if you are just friendly and think i am ugly. SHUT UP. i don't want to talk to you AT ALL, just fucking drive me where i am going ass pants.

5:43 AM
grumblefish said...

Interesting thread- sounds like there's a
split between taxi experiences, good vs bad. I would recommend spicing up the conversation, either way (but especially when attentions are unwanted). Simply swing by the bookstore some rainy day, and add a few new phrases to your vocabulary, plus or minus. Terms like "festering or supporating lesion", "sarcoma","necrotic", "carbuncle", "sores", or (one of my faves) "buboes" may be mixed into the dialog and are invariably served up chilled. If that's too much like work, "I'm unwell"
may suffice.
I know there are at least as many ways to amp up one of these encounters, if it suits, but I bow to other bloggers for
better phrases.

7:52 AM
karma said...

did he have fur on his dashboard?

8:55 AM
Jax said...

how I do enjoy infiltrating the comment threads on other people's blogs. Call it Narcissism if you like, there's a great song by Threshold dedicated to Narcissis.

Anyway, no not jazz. Progressive metal mainly. Melodic, with a reliance on driving rhythmic riffage RAAARGH! But yeah. I can do a bit of everything.

But trans, you can't order me off your island, because even if I were there, my feet wouldn't ever touch the ground. btw, calf-length skirts are only acceptable if the bottom is cut at a jaunty angle.

10:01 AM
Sk8RN said...

You may not have gotten the joke, but thanks for making this story so humorous for us!

1:34 PM
snst_blvd said...

oh i hate chattie cab drivers too!

5:39 PM
mussolini said...

what did i tell you?? P150 from your house to your building. i could always use extra gas money.

8:36 PM
Abster said...

I HATE, YES, HATE CAB DRIVERS LIKE THAT! Theys should keep their eyes on the road and not all women!!!

*goosebumps appear*

...I was just reminded of this almost 40 (I bet) cab driver who wanted to take me out on a date! Fetch me with his taxi on a weekend, he says! Ewwwww!!! I could be his daughter!

10:53 PM
Norton said...

"You should quit your day job and take up necromancy..."

That made me laugh for about ten minutes!

London taxi's are the best... official BLACK CABS have very chatty often racist/sexist men warbling on about how THEY would make the world a better place.
Unofficial cabs, usually a beaten-up family car with bad body work, will mostly be driven by foreign-nationals who need you to tell them every turn and every street that leads to your destination.
They then charge £2 too much, as a rule.

Gotta love London...

1:48 AM
wala said...

your aversion to electric blue upholstery and presumptious cab drivers is justifiable and shared by spank. did he have the seven dwarfs with the nodding heads on the dashboard? or cover the upholstery and everything else with plastic? the taxi subculture of the chaos we live in hasnt quite elevated itself to a level that would deem its kitsch and character amusing or almost interesting. but as you say, but the powers-that-be giveth and taketh away and giveth.

i didnt really say anything, did i? you make me ramble on like that.

1:53 AM
min said...

Ironically, I'm the chatty one in cabbies. ;)

3:16 AM
jey said...

we all have interesting cabbie experience. and usually cabbie chit chat are either two things: funny or annoying.

8:09 AM
transience said...

.:a:. >> i guess it was punishment for being a very bad girl as of late.

grumblefish >> silk, satin, lace. but only on the woman you'll be parading on your arm.

claudzki >> oh, shit. yeah. dangerous cabbies. check.

mitzzee >> aaawww. but i think everyone loves mitzzee.

trine >> wow. thanks for the support. but i find it strange when people can't at least acknowledge the good sides of themselves once in a while. the world is cruel enough as it is.

bismuth >> look who's talking, miss boy magnet.

potted-flower >> not all cabbies are racist. but not all passengers are good tippers either.

gulnaz >> i can understand why strangers open up to you. you're very kind and nurturing.

perfect virgo >> your comment made me laugh and laugh because of some hemingway reference to the why-did-the-chicken-cross-the-road joke.

anonymous poet >> oohhh. that's so effing cool. you think they make that in purple?

ty >> totallyawesomerad

corinna >> asspants. another cuss word added to my potty mouth top 10.

grumblefish again >> our best efforts would be wasted. trust me.

karma >> i'm not sure. he could have. bleh.

jax >> jaunty angles make me look like a floozy at work. besides, a corporate dominatrix wears a calf-length skirt to hide all that fantastic-ness. or else other people would not be able to do their jobs. and why whouldn't your feet touch the ground? they haven't been amputated, have they? oh dear.

Sk8RN >> haha! you're welcome. =)

sunset eyes >> let's form a union.

mussolini >> negotiable?

abster >> eeewwww. that has happened to me, too.

norton >> mmmmmm. london. that made my day.

monster spank >> even your rambling leaves me breathless. do it to me as often as you like.

min >> lol! you must knock them dead, you cheeky one.

jey >> i especially don't like the ones who offer me a bite of their sandwich. i'm, like, excuse me, i don't share fluids on a first ride. geez.

8:52 AM
gusgreeper said...

ass pants is by far one of my favorites. you will find that you can use the 'pants' part in a lot sayings such as: jerk pants, fuck face pants, snotty pants, you off my island poor pants, loser pants, jack ass pants and so on....i hope you use it well and it brings you much joy.

9:00 AM
The Fool said...

Another day, another horny cabbie. LOL. Next time you take a cab get in and after you tell him where you want to go start scratching furiously at your nether regions while screaming "damn herpes outbreak!". Give that a try and get back to me.

9:06 AM
slither dude said...

well at least...


um, can't think of a silver lining for a cabbie that desires you.

11:08 AM
Dee said...

i heart da transience, even with all her words o' love.

2:38 PM
slim whale said...

but chatty cabbies are fun! they're like fleas doing sommersaults and backflips on a doggie's itching back. just don't get too close or they'll get into your system through your nose.

4:52 PM
Sarah said...

chatty cabbies aside.

you are a beautiful woman.

9:47 AM
transience said...

corinna >> i wonder what the other conjugations might be.

the fool >> LOL! but if he asked me, "what kind of herpes?" would i answer?

slither dude >> exactly. and i can be quite the optimist. but this? uh, eh, erm...nothing comes to me.

dee >> i *heart* da dee.

slim whale >> such fantastic imagery. thank you lots.

sarah >> wow. thanks, snowflake.

4:24 PM
gulnaz said...

hey trans that was so sweet of you to say that! thanks! ;))

7:45 PM
anumita said...

Would it be impolite to cast a murderous look and say, "Excuse me, but I dont feel like talking right now"?
Am dying to know about the famous look.

7:59 PM
transience said...

i shot daggers. no, wait. hattori hanzo's steel.

11:13 AM