night lights that nightSunday, December 12, 2004
sic itur ad astra
(thus one goes to the stars; such is the way to immortality)
where i live, there are no stars.
there are neon signs, traffic lights, fluorescent lamps that keep weary workers company in their ivory towers 30 stories up. but no stars. i think maybe the stars have been swallowed up by the unblinking glare of a frenetic city where the only comfort is sleep, and even that can be bought from a 24-hour drugstore.
last night, on one of those rare occasions, we shared a smoke. and when he drove me home, when the road in front of us seemed endless, i thought about what he had said to me. we are each other's mirrors. we look at others the way we see ourselves...happy, sad, fearful, angry, cautious. i told my friends that when they looked at us together, they would see two people who mirrored everything beautiful about each other.
he had moved me then with his uncharacteristic sentimentality. and i finally comprehended what he had always been trying to say. the expansion of my understanding left me weak. what had seemed like a vast ocean had suddenly taken on the dimensions of a universe.
he was right.
the pieces of ourselves we leave to others create new worlds, show new directions, awaken new perspectives. there are people we remember, people we hold in our hearts, people we don't realize we've already forgotten. there are friends we keep and those we let go of. but the lives we touch are touched forever.
we walk on empty streets, thinking that we do not matter, unaware that where we go, the fates also follow. we are not sojourners looking up, charting the course of the celestials above. we are creatures looking out, lost until found, trying to recognize the fragments of ourselves in others, frightened to fade away without learning new names and tracing new faces.
something happened last night. in his car, staring out into the dark boulevard, i had stopped wondering where the stars had gone.
i realized then that it's alright that i don't look up anymore. there is no light or redemption beyond the skies. there is no heaven, not really. the stars had burned out a long time ago.
but we're still here. all of us. we are nebulas in bloom.
i rode north at 11:03 AM
20 kph
monsterspank pedaled up to say...
Too damned intellectual for the likes of me. Either that, gravity, or it just doesn't make sense period!
11:48 AM
retarius pedaled up to say...
we cannot observe something without changing it. so, yeah, every human we have contact with, physical or otherwise, we alter...maybe a bit, maybe significantly, but we leave our prints wherever we go, like a kid smudging up a window with his nose.
i like this entry. a lot.
12:31 PM
Miss Jay pedaled up to say...
I think the way you write is romantic...I don't mean it's about love, just that you can make anything you write sound so desirable and wistful. Very nice.
1:46 PM
CAROLVS pedaled up to say...
You've outdone yourself. Again. :^) Beautiful post.
2:15 PM
karma pedaled up to say...
yes, beautifully written. you are the star :)
2:48 PM
solo flite pedaled up to say...
beautiful writing :)
1:08 AM
transience pedaled up to say...
monsterspank >> i woke up before noon on the only day that i sleep. so yeah, maybe i wasn't making sense at all, hehe. thanks for the drive-by sweetie.
retarius >> i remember this quote from anaïs nin: "each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." glad you liked the entry.
jay >> wistful. i like that word. thanks.
carolvs >> thank you. i never got to say goodbye to you properly the last time. i do hope you publish soon because i miss reading you.
karma >> thanks for the kind words. i appreciate them.
soloflite >> hope your friend's kid is doing better. and thanks for visiting.
9:30 AM
mussolini pedaled up to say...
pollution* has never been more poetic.
*pollution - the reason why we don't see stars in this city
10:13 AM
transience pedaled up to say...
you're absolutely right.
10:24 AM
rain pedaled up to say...
the welcome note in my phone is a simply stated truth: i AM a miracle. this helps me see beyond the darkness and pollution.
karma is right. you are the star. we all are. and maybe heaven just de-escalated and is now this new environment around us. it's not as we expected. but. if it's not heaven, why else do we see ourselves still smiling?
11:47 AM
JErm pedaled up to say...
how much does a bottle of slumber cost these days? if you swallow enough and close your eyes real tight you'll see stars.. i swear!!
12:17 PM
transience pedaled up to say...
rain >> we're such troopers, finding what's left of this world that is decent. maybe that's what keeps us smiling.
JErm >> i may be doing something wrong when i close my eyes at night. morning. whatever.
12:33 PM
Kathleen pedaled up to say...
oh wow that was pretty. I probably don't understand it, but I'd like to think I do. At any rate, your writing is touching... we maybe need to take a break from trying to find a greater meaning in the giant existance of all things once in a while, because maybe we ourselves - with our inquisitive, pondering natures, our need to touch and be touched - are the greater meaning.
Ach what am I talking about?
12:51 PM
transience pedaled up to say...
that made a lot of sense to me. really.
1:47 PM
Calaloola pedaled up to say...
an inspired slice of existentialism. really beautiful. i found your blog because my own "cosmic bicycle" (poetic) is taking me to norway next year (for real), but i liked your writing and think i'll stay awahile, if thats ok?
;)
5:36 PM
transience pedaled up to say...
hi. thanks for dropping by. you can stay as long as you like—i'm always glad to meet new people.
so you're going to norway next year? good for you. it's beautiful there. =)
8:34 AM
JErm pedaled up to say...
that must be it.. and enhanced by the amount of smog you breathe daily they render the starless effect in your life.. damn you're gettin popular here!! :)
10:21 AM
transience pedaled up to say...
my lungs must be black holes by now.
12:34 PM
ninjato pedaled up to say...
No amount of words could fitfully describe how good and how profound I found this post to be...definitely an inspired piece of writing =)I am in awe =)
1:56 AM
transience pedaled up to say...
thanks, ninjato. finally back from the dead, i see. =)
8:23 AM
::Pedal up::
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