Tuesday, January 18, 2005
one for the girls

enough of this. i am sick and tired of complete strangers telling me i have big breasts. like i didn't know it. excuse me, but my breasts are attached to my body and they do come with me wherever i go. you think i wouldn't notice if they were amply proportioned? besides, they look fine. i'm just a small girl is all.

this morning, an elderly neighbor (okay, so he wasn't a complete stranger, but still) was kind enough to point out that my generation had all the "goods." after which, he winked.

one word. blech.

next time, i will do edmond rostand's cyrano de bergerac when someone i do not particularly fancy says, "you have big breasts" or something to that degree. i will say,

(a note to purists: some of monsieur de bergerac's lines have been altered to amply describe my specifically ample proportions.)

"that's the best you can do? there's a vast choice, i'll supply a few.

the approach aggressive: miss, if i had your breasts, i'd amputate them.
kindly: when bending don't you find they get in the way?
descriptive: they are rocks—peaks—capes. did I say capes? i mean entire peninsulas!
curious: what precisely do you use them for?
gracious: you must be a passionate bird-lover that you're so anxious to provide a site where feathered friends can safely roost at night.
the considerate spank approach : if you bow too far, gravity's force will drag you to the floor.
the tender: you should have a sunshade made. i fear the sunlight makes the colors fade.
pedantic: only the beast that aristophanes called hippocamelelephantoles could rival so much flesh on bone.
contemptuous: is it the fashion to go about with that on? so very convenient to hang your hats on.
dramatic: you'd never drown in the red sea.
admiring: what a carpenter's dream they would be!
lyric: are these the conch shells the tritons blew?
naive: what time is the monument on view?
the approach respectful: my mind's quite out of joint. in which direction do your signposts point?
rustic: is that your chest? i dursel swear it's a pumpkin or a mangol-wurzel.
military: your halberd at the ready!
practical: grab hold when you're unsteady.
pyramus with thisbe by the wall: i kiss your bosom, not your neck at all!

such, my dear sir, is what you might have said if there was a grain of wit inside your head. as a man of age and supposed wisdom you're hardly a success; the only three you have are a-s-s. but o, o most lamentable of mokes, if by some miracle you had cracked those jokes to entertain us—well, all jokes are killable: you wouldn't have got beyond the second syllable. i can serve myself with quips like these forever, but let another person try it?—never!"

okay, so that was a mouthful. but really, my breasts have feelings, elderly neighbor. leave them the fuck alone.

i rode north at 1:42 PM